Good evening, House of Madness residents:
Decisions are hard. Looking through your closet trying to figure out if today is 'lucky tie' day sounds easy, but what if the situation calls for something with a little more flare? Nothing wrong with a midnight snack, but when you know the leftover fried chicken in the fridge will give you heartburn and swamp farts, perhaps it's better to go with a banana or an apple. What about scrolling through Netflix without a plan? Instead of watching a bad Gerard Butler movie, you spend several hours reading synopses until your clicking finger goes numb, and now you've managed to make it until 2am without accomplishing anything besides monumental frustration. If decisions were easy, we'd live in a world without "What do you want to do for dinner?", or "Are you sure you want to put that in there?", and especially "I told you not to give the dog fish tacos, now look what you've done!". No, if decisions were easy, we'd live in an apocalyptic nightmare fueled by rationality. No thanks.
When trying to decide what kind of movie it wants to be, "Adult Swim Yule Log" (ASYL from here on out) struggles with the best of us. This morning I could have gone to the store wearing pants on my head, with a t-shirt up my ass, and I would have received less confusing glares than my television screen after watching this. It starts off as a film about a couple heading to a cabin for a weekend getaway, and finishes with a bad CGI blazing log wreaking havoc on foreheads and windows abound. In between, there's time travel, slavery, murdered fetuses to reverse existence, a simpleton's mother itching for a grandchild, an alien with a blood sucking ray gun dressed in an outfit found in aisle 4 of Party City, a little man in a fireplace, and the legend of a murderer people are planning a podcast around.
"ASYL" changes gears more than David Hasselhoff coked up in a "Knight Rider" fantasy, except the clutch is missing, and the gearshift is actually a bread stick from Olive Garden. Even if this had been presented as an anthology movie, none of the stories involved are interesting enough to stand on their own, and when combined just make for 90 minutes of nonsensical lunacy without a single redeeming quality. Next time you're endlessly scrolling through what to watch, just make the easy decision and go with Gerard Butler, Yule regret it a lot less than choosing this.
Madness Meter: 3.1/10
NB
