Good afternoon, House of Madness creepies:
Don't do it. I said, don't do it. What are you, stupid or something? During my lifetime I have said or heard these comments several times. I remember looking down my buddy's steep driveway from the top, my feet planted on the ground, my legs over the frame of my bicycle, garage door wide open, taunting me to enter at full speed, and me wondering if I should push forward knowing I had no brakes. I can still hear my friend Sean saying "Don't do it."......."I said, don't do it"......"What are you, stupid or something?" were the last words I heard before the wind roared as I sped down the driveway towards the empty garage, the stench of rubber as I tried my mightiest to slow myself down with the soles of my worn out Converse All-Stars. As my front tire bent from the impact with the cement wall, my testicles were introduced to my handlebars, and I swear I walked like my balls were in parenthesis for two weeks. Often times we don't take heed when others, even those closest to us, know danger lurks, yet we power on because we're warriors of the fearless, needers of no brakes, and adrenaline fueled thrill seekers oblivious to our future need of nuts. So today I honour my friend Sean by paying his warning forward, as you're pondering whether "Ash and Bone" is a good use of your time. Don't do it. I said, don't do it. What are you, stupid or something?
Ok fine, don't take my word for it, but I wish someone had warned me before I began my stroll down "Ash and Bone" Lane, I really did learn my lesson from the 'ball-buster', and now take general warnings from friends very seriously.
Things kick off with us witnessing a girl running in terror from an unknown assailant, only to make it to the road, flag a car down, get shot, and finally pickaxed in the skull for good measure. Things are off to a gruesome start, let's go!!!! Next we're introduced to goth teen Cassie (Angelina Danielle Cama), glumly riding in the backseat of a minivan destined for a guaranteed summer of boredom with her dad Lucas (Harley Wallen) and dad's girlfriend Sarah (Kaiti Wallen). The fractured family stop at a diner, and Cassie enlightens us with her charming personality and witty rebellion as she orders her food. Lucas and Sarah know this is going to be a long summer. Shortly after arriving at the cabin, more pleasantries are exchanged, and Cassie takes off in the family minivan to the local bar in town to escape the clutches of her evil family. Cassie enters the bar and sits down, only to be questioned about her age by what I have to assume is the oldest bartender of all time, whose only reason for still working is because his wife divorced him, and got half his pension from working 35 years at the old pulp mill. Just a guess. Next, Cassie is hit on by a local, who slanders her while brandishing a knife. A bar patron steps in, but instead of letting his bar turn into an episode of "The Equalizer", Grandpa Sam Malone tells them to take it outside, and the situation cools. Phew! Cassie heads over to the good samaritan's table where Tucker (Mason Heidger) and his girlfriend Anna (Jamie Bernadette) are enjoying some drinks. The three hit it off and Cassie asks if they know where to find any abandoned warehouses or buildings where she can have some teenage fun. They don't, but then Anna remembers the old McKinley place on the outskirts of town which is inhabited by Clete (Jimmy Doom), his sister May (Erika Hoveland), and their grandmother which nobody has seen in quite some time. Sounds perfect to Cassie, so the three pile in the van and head over to the McKinley house for some mischief.
As they pull up to a house about as sinister looking as an episode of "Little House on the Prairie", Cassie decides that breaking and entering is far more fun than spraypainting old buildings like she used to do with her friends back home. Naturally, Tucker and Anna can't let her go alone, so they follow her inside, and head to the basement. The basement reveals a mattress below some shackles, blood stained cassettes, and a camcorder containing evidence of a missing girl's capture and murder. Time to go! As they prepare to leave, they hear a ruckus upstairs, and Clete comes down so we can get a good look at him in his shirtless overalls. Back in the old WWF days, if Hillbilly Jim talked like a pirate, you'd have Clete to a fucking T. Clete heads back upstairs, and the three new friends use this as their chance to escape out the window they trespassed through. Well, seems Cassie's shoelace is stuck, so she'd better find another way out, as shoes are permanently attached once they're put on, and the laces are made from stainless steel only found in the depths of the Serbian tundra. As Cassie finds a bedroom to hide in, she looks under the covers and discovers a human skeleton. No wonder nobody has seen Grandma, and not only that, she's not meant to be seen. EVER. Cassie heads outside, and her, Tucker, and Anna make a break for the van while May fires round after round of rifle ammo, trying her best to halt their escape. They just make it out, and other than a graze on Tucker's arm and a bullet hole in the rear window, are no worse for wear.
The next morning, Lucas sees the broken window and asks Cassie about it, which she says she doesn't know. Good enough story for Sarah, so Lucas is left in the dust; two against one! Sounds like a job for the local sheriff (Shane Hagedorn), who not only promises to help as much as he can, but is also the first sheriff in American history to drive a 2011 unmarked Subaru. Good thing the sheriff arrived when he did too, I was really starting to get concerned for Lucas's heart, as he's been chopping enough firewood (in the summer) to accomodate the entire beaver population of North America.
The rest of the film is what you'd expect; Clete and May hunt down and capture Tucker, Anna, Lucas, Sarah, and eventually Cassie, only to have their plans thwarted by quick thinking tactics such as running straight at them, gaining the element of super slow surprise, and wrestling guns away from captors followed up by one-liners that would make Eric Roberts explode with jealousy. Well, that was a night from Hell, but at least it brought Lucas, Sarah, and Cassie together as a family, and nobody got critically injured, murdered, or God forbid, eats their apples with a knife.......Cassie, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Yowza.
Madness Meter: 3.1/10
NB
