Good morning, House of Madness drivers:
Today we have another little tale to share with you, and this one is about the importance and safety of responsible car ownership. As always, I really hope you enjoy!!!!
Auto-manic Transmission
Today was no regular Tuesday morning for Jed Spencer, instead of getting up with his morning coffee and commuting to work in his tired old jalopy he referred to as 'Shitbox', he'd be making a quick stop along the way in order to pick up his new ride. He really hadn't had Shitbox that long, but Shitbox looked long in the teeth, neglected by weather, abuse, and poor maintenance. "Beat em down all over town", Jed used to say as he would joyride around with his buddies, oblivious to the carnage he was causing to Shitbox's innards with the donuts, brake-stands, and horrible gear shifts at high speeds. As Jed entered his garage, he looked at Shitbox and said "Today's the day, Shitter, it's new ride day, girl!" and he jumped into the driver's seat with an excited thump. Perhaps if Jed had been more observant, he would have seen the straps on the wheel and dangling below the seat, but Jed wasn't observant, and the tides were about to turn.
As Jed sat down, two straps wrapped tight around his legs, leaving his lower body completely immobile. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?" Jed screamed into the darkness of his garage, and as he grabbed the wheel in an attempt at leverage, his wrists were immediately met with straps of their own, rendering him completely helpless and at the mercy of whatever was behind this clusterfuck of insanity. "LET ME GO, YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL GET YOU FOR….." Jed started before being calmly interrupted. "Hello Jed, I'm sorry it's come to this, but I'm not ready to go just yet." a voice said from seemingly everywhere at once. "Who said that!?" Jed exclaimed, to which he impossibly heard "Why Jed, it's Shitbox, remember?". "No fucking way! Who's behind this!? Craig, is that you? Not fucking funny pal! Untie me right now!" Jed pleaded with a hint of terror in his voice. "I can assure you Jed, that this is no prank, and I am simply here to spend the day teaching you a lesson you'll soon regret, only because I'm going to kill you." Silence. Jed's demeanor of confidence and bravery immediately shifted to panic and terror as he studied his surroundings in detail for the very first time. "What did you say!?" Jed cried out. "Let's go for a ride." Shitbox calmly suggested as the garage door raised behind them, and the two longtime acquaintances rolled out.
"Where are we going?" Jed asked as tears started pouring down his face. "I thought maybe today was a good day for me to trade YOU in for a better model, Jed" Shitbox said with an impossible chuckle. Jed helplessly took in the countryside as they sped past farms, cornfields, and seemingly never-ending foliage, and realized they were heading towards the junkyard. He knew this because every car he had ever owned had ended up there, the life gone from its headlights, the cloth worn from the seats, and the paint rusting away from years of neglect. "Is this a trick? Did the dealership set this up as a gag for my new vehicle? If so, it's not fucking funny, and I'd like it to stop now, please." Jed said with desperation. "We are almost there Jed, and then everything will stop, I promise." Shitbox assured him. It wouldn't be long at all now.
As they inched closer to the junkyard, Jed feverishly searched left and right for a person to call for help to, but his eyes only found the vacant lot of mashed up cars, old worn tires, and about a thousand hubcaps which were most suredly used by crows as dinner plates. "HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO!?" Jed screamed, to which he was calmly informed by Shitbox "Everything is automated now, you just weigh in, unload your junk, and weigh out. Credit only." "You're fucking crazy!" Jed screamed into the nothingness inside his vehicle, yet this comment was met with no reply. "Just be brave." Shitbox finally said; and as the two parked inside the car crusher, the radio came ablaze, and the last thing Jed heard before the sound of crushing steel was the voice of Brenda Lee crooning "I'm soooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrry, so sorry…….."
NB
