Good afternoon, House of Madness residents:
Have you ever been really enjoying a slice of pizza at a friend's house, and just when you're about to take your last bite of deliciousness, your good old pal slaps another not so fresh slice on your plate, leaving you feeling obligated to finish it? The first slice hit home, and its greasy goodness was just what your tastebuds were craving, but now that your appetite has been satiated, the next go round seems like a bad idea, leaving you wanting to push your plate away. This is how "Black Phone 2" left me feeling, although I admittedly went back to the pizza box voluntarily, rather than being force fed by my pal in an effort to avoid next day leftovers.
Life after 'The Grabber' (Ethan Hawke) hasn't been easy for Finn (Mason Thames) or his sister Gwen (Madeleine McGraw). Finn has taken to fighting at school while navigating daily life as a loner, as Gwen struggles to process the reality (or lack thereof) of her persistent nightmares. The lasting effect 'The Grabber' has had on the siblings is understandable, as getting over such a traumatic experience is about as impossible as an ass man (or woman) resisting a stroll through the yoga pants section of an all-you-can-see buffet of tender tushes. Gwen's dreams lead her into the past to a time when her mother worked as a counselor for a winter camp at Alpine Lake, with visions of three boys being brutally stalked and murdered. Does this have something to do with 'The Grabber' and her mother's eventual suicide? By the time the film gets to answering these questions, we really just don't care, unfortunately. Between annoying dialogue being forced to sound like we're back in 1982, to corny characters doing corny things, the movie comes across as more of a comedy of errors, rather than a frostbite of frights.
While I won't go as far as saying that nobody asked for this sequel, because I went in really expecting to enjoy it as a big Scott Derrickson fan, I will say that nobody asked for this particular story, as the motives and origins of 'The Grabber' were never what captivated me in the first place. If you're looking for a Grabber origins story with forced insults like "dinosaur dick", then perhaps this film is up your alley, if not, I'd highly recommend you find something else to grab your attention.
Madness Meter: 4.9/10
NB
2 comments
Well as long as everyone had a mediocre time, that’s all that matters!
Thanks for this. I played Candy Crush and Solitaire while Em and Harper watched it. I told them it was because I was scared but mostly I was bored.