Good morning House of Madness corpses:
Just when I think I've seen it all, a new twist on the vampire genre is introduced, and I'm reminded that rules are meant to be stretched to their limits, if not broken entirely. Of course, I'm talking about a vampire having car trouble. Not only do creatures of the night have to deal with garlic, wooden stakes, sunlight, and holy water, you can also add bad gasket seals to the list of major annoyances. However, if you were a mechanic before you were cursed with being immortal, not only does it come in handy, I'd imagine being referred to as 'Nasferatu' beats the shit out of 'grease monkey'.
Francis (Noah Segan) is having car trouble, and just wants to get some engine parts from the local gas station before it closes shop for the night. Well looky here, not only has Francis made it in time, he also made it with five whole minutes to spare. His luck is changing for the better it seems. Not according to the fella standing behind the locked doors, he says they're closed, and won't listen to any begging or bartering. In an effort to escape the customer with the audacity to offer paying double the retail prices, the clerk tries to sneak out the back door. Francis was ready for such a brilliant, devious manoeuvre, and again explains his predicament, which falls on deaf ears. After being pushed, Francis shows the clerk his shiny whites as they sink into his greasy neck, and disposes of the corpse in quick fashion. That could have gone better, but I suppose free gaskets along with some quick spending money from the cash register isn't a total disaster. Time to find a place to hang his cape for the day, as sleeping in his car from dawn to dark is not only dangerous, it's uncomfortable and bad for his posture.
After stumbling into a fancy motel ($27/night, but only $20 because there's no hot water), Francis uses his Vampire stare to coerce the crusty concierge Hilda (Akasha Villalobos) into accepting cash payment, as vampires don't qualify for credit cards in the U.S., with the exception of Alaska. She complies willingly but unknowingly, and Francis has himself a room, roaches included. Hilda hears a noise outside, and immediately chases off a teenager snooping around Francis's car, looking for god knows what. Hilda confronts Francis, as consorting with underage lot lizards is on her list of no-no's, but he denies knowing any girl and the matter is forgotten, although not unsuspiciously. The next morning Francis hears someone lurking outside his door, and rapidly grabs the silhouette from the sunlight, burning his arm in the process. Turns out that snooping teen is back, and her name is Jane (Victoria Moroles); she also happens to be his daughter. I guess even vampires need more than just SPF 1000 for protection too. After a lengthy discussion with Pops, Jane goes to buy some snacks, but Hilda would rather sell Francis a hole in the head, followed by a big glass of "and never come back!", but has her plan thwarted as Jane wrestles the gun away from her, and puts her to sleep with a choke hold that would surely leave Conor McGregor lifeless on the octagon floor once again. Jane expresses her inner vampire desires, and explains to her dad that she's never eaten a human before. Francis is coaching her on how to prepare for the feast of first-timers, when Hilda suddenly springs back to consciousness, forcing Jane into action. Two hard smacks head first into the wall, and that's it for Hilda. Oh well, it felt more like an Arby's night anyways. Time to clean up and get the fuck outta here.
As they head out on the road in what Jane feels like will be forever, Francis is quick to shoot down that idea, and doesn't want to be normal, get a job, buy a house, and live as a family. Talk about cramping your 100+ year old style, sheeeeeesh! Jane gets out of the car, and runs away faster than Lionel Messi from the Argentinian tax agency. Fuck, that's not exactly how Francis wanted the situation to go down, but at the end of the day (night to Francis) he got his way and that 15 year old problem is gone for good.
As time passes, Francis feels guilty about how things shook out, and tracks Jane down in Nebraska, where her cousin Bonnie (Karina Dominguez) didn't really want her around anyways. They discuss her plan of being a family; Francis gets a job where he can work on cars at night, Jane can do the school thing as she is unaffected by sunlight, and they can try and live like a normal, happy family. One problem, to get a job and an apartment, Francis will need a birth certificate. No problem, right? Those are easier to come by on the black market than.......wait, what? Oh, ok. They decide to go to a mental institution where Roger Fieldner (Josh Ruben) is imprisoned for life because of Francis, and steal his credentials. Not the way I would have played it, but I guess it won't be so bad because Francis can just use his vampire stare on the.......wait, what? Oh, ok. They decide that Jane will go in and scope the joint while pretending to be Roger's niece, and Francis can break in later to steal the documents. This plan is starting to sound like it was hatched by Dr. Evil, and Austin Powers is so confused as to why, he wouldn't even bother showing up. No matter, Jane ends up talking her way into 'Uncle' Roger's padded cell, and after some chatter, he says he will give her his documents. Well Roger, that's not how hospitals do things, they won't just give.........wait, what? Oh, ok. Now that Francis and Jane have the documents needed to fake his identity (that was easy!), they can live happily ever after.
Well, happily ever after may be the plan, but it turns out immortal single fathers and teenage daughters tend to clash in life whether it's a life of forever, or a life of whatever. They both eventually come to realize that just because she ages, has an afterlife, and he doesn't, it's ok to enjoy each other's company for her remaining decades on Earth, and why not enjoy a little blood and mayhem along the way? Isn't that what being a Dad is all about?
You can check out "Blood Relatives" over on Shudder where it's available to stream now.
Madness Meter: 5.5/10
NB
