Good morning, House of Madness lot lizards:
What's the worst job you've ever had? Maybe you spent a summer scrubbing graffiti off of cinderblock walls for five bucks an hour, only to have a fresh batch of profanities show up the day following your hard work. Perhaps you've worked retail, and have dealt with customers so arrogant and stupid, that they've left you seriously wondering how they've made it this far through life without getting run over by an out of control zamboni. While both those jobs suck ass in their own regard, the women (and man) in "Candy Land" hold jobs that come in the hand and blow variety, as well as the occasional naked lap dance. Cleaning graffiti and being berated by idiot customers never sounded so nice in comparison.
Sadie (Sam Quartin), Riley, (Eden Brolin), Liv (Virginia Rand) and Levi (Owen Campbell) make ends meet by turning tricks in a truck stop parking lot run by Nora (Guinevere Turner) while local Sheriff Rex (Billy Baldwin) turns a blind eye in exchange for some favors of his own. Regular customers come and go, and newbies are looked after with delicate care. One day a religious cult makes their way through town, and Father Phillip (Mark Ward) tries to lead the sinning quartet into the light - to no avail of course. Remy (Olivia Luccardi), the seemingly black sheep of the cult, shows up at Sadie's door not long after, and the group of tricksters quickly recruit Remy into the underworld of favors for money. As Remy learns the ropes, it's not long before the audience realizes she's not playing with a full deck, and to the group she might just be a bigger threat than a pregnancy balloon loaded with AIDS. Everyone that comes across Remy may have good intentions, but nothing satisfies a girl like her trusty crucifix.
If you appreciate gratuitous nudity and wonder what Billy Baldwin has been up to for the last two decades, "Candy Land" is for you. If, however, you're in search of an original film that will keep you on edge, then perhaps you should head to the mainstream selection where you're more likely to get a 'happy ending'.
Madness Meter: 5.2/10
NB
