Good Afternoon, House of Madness residents:
Imagine waiting almost 40 years to release a new raisin bread to the masses, but when the day finally comes to unveil your self proclaimed delicious loaves, you simply just took regular bread and pressed a bunch of raisins in it with your fingers? Too silly? Ok, what about describing your new idea of a hovercraft like they flew around in on "The Jetson's", yet when the day of the big reveal arrives, you simply uncover a Hyundai Elantra with a bedskirt around the bottom, while your nephew makes hovering noises with his voice altering app on his iPhone 6? Still no? How about this: you tell everyone you're remaking a film from 1984, but instead of taking an old idea and updating it with new technology, you simply tell a dumb story involving children, somehow make it have worse effects than 40 years ago, and then try and sell it as a fresh start into a franchise that already has more than ten failed previous installments? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner - unless we're referring to us, the audience, then we're all losers.
Normally I don't like to watch a film, and come in here being a scathing jerk, but this film really is that bad that I have no choice but to spew negativity, because that's all there is when it comes to "Children of the Corn(y))". This is quite the accomplishment, when you consider the original film spawned more offspring than Shawn Kemp at a nudist retreat, yet with films titled "Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return", and "Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest", the latest version still ends up being the most noteworthy one deserving the most ridicule. Why was this film produced in 2020, but only released in 2023? Is it because they knew they were sitting on a rancid egg that nobody wanted to crack open, or was it simply because they all watched the finished product, and immediately forgot about its own existence? Either way, this film should never have been taken off the showroom shelf and distributed out into the wild; if I wanted to see the intellectual level of absurdity happening in this film, I'd simply take my children to the grocery store and set up for a good old-fashioned canned corn fight in aisle six for some real entertainment.
If you have a choice of watching this, or watching the "Total Recall" remake, I'd suggest putting your nipples in the toaster while you stare out the kitchen window at nature's beauty; the pain will be equal, but the stench will be much more tolerable.
Madness Meter: 1.9/10
NB
