Good afternoon, House of Madness occupants:
I've been seeing a lot of lists floating around Twitter with people's take on how they rank the Halloween films, so I thought I'd get in on the fun. I won't just rank them, I'll describe why they're ranked where they are. There are 13 in all (so far), and I will rank them from best to worst. If you would prefer a worst to best, simply turn your phone upside down once you see the list, and turn screen rotation off; this works best if you're well versed in reading upside down, and are a flat earther. Let's get started!
1. Halloween (1978) Let's be honest, the original where it all began is usually the best, and this is the case here. It's not even close either; we're coming up on 45 years since this was released, and it's still scary as fuck.
2. Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982) Unpopular opinion time! I don't give a fuck that Michael Myers isn't in this movie because Tom Atkins is! Masks handed out to children in mass production, that are set to make your face melt off by watching a commercial on Halloween night? Brilliant! The only thing this movie suffers from is being called Halloween III, it should have been called 'Tom Atkins Kicks Your Fuckin Ass if you're an Evil Dickhead'. I won't apologize for putting this at number 2, because it wasn't my idea to include it in the franchise. Deal with it.
3. Halloween II (1981) This one takes us right to where the first one left off. Michael Myers is now at the Haddonfield Memorial Hospital, he's fuckin pissed off, and he isn't afraid to share his feelings with the staff and patients.
4. Halloween (2018) This was a tough decision, as I really like Rob Zombie's retelling as well, but a well executed plot with some original Halloween vibes gave this one the edge for me.
5. Halloween (2007) I dig a lot of Rob Zombie's stuff, and I really enjoyed his take on Halloween. It was what you'd expect from a Zombie movie: gory, over the top, and pedal to the metal.
6. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) I saw this when it first hit theatres. My friend and I weren't old enough yet (it was rated R), but I easily purchased my ticket, while my friend got carded by the evil ticket booth clerk. Only one thing to do, right? If your answer is go to separate movies, then you are correct! Sorry Ian, I hope you liked Big. I was the ONLY person in the theatre, and I was brave for a 12 year old, I only shit my pants twice. The theatre experience helped get this movie to number 6 on this list, but I've re-watched it several times, and it's still solid.
7. Halloween H20: 20 Years later (1998) Now this list starts getting even tougher, because I'm left basically deciphering which shit smells less. This movie is more like a teeny slasher, rather than a Michael Myers offering.
8. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) These movies are getting downright silly, and this one was seen and forgotten faster than a beer at a Bills game.
9. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) Paul Rudd is in it, and it's not a comedy, so piss off.
10. Halloween II (2009) This movie was when I realized Rob Zombie was coming off the rails, and started making movies just to blitz you with over the top ridiculousness. I turned this off after 40 minutes my first time watching, and going back to finish it reminds me of that time I started chugging milk before I looked at the expiry date. Look first, drink second is a mantra I now follow religiously.
11. Halloween: Resurrection (2002) Teeny slasher number 2 in the series. Myers doesn't care about stupid teens, he just wants to kill you in the most interesting ways possible, ok? Stick to the fucking formula without the teenies.
12. Halloween Kills (2021) What the fuck was this, after the newest reboot effort was actually enjoyable? This movie had worse one liners than an Avengers flick, and felt twice as long.
13. Halloween Ends (2022) Holy Hell, I actually thought to myself after watching Halloween Kills, that it couldn't get any worse. I was so wrong, I actually washed my eyes with Lysol to make the bad feeling go away. We go from Dr. Loomis trying and failing to control his patient of many years, to some dickhead in a jean jacket bossing him around? It would be more realistic to watch a fast food cook stand up to Gordon Ramsay without crying.
Well, there you have it, all Halloween movies properly ranked.........but horror discussions are the BEST discussions. Maybe drop me a comment with your list, or why you think my list is so bad? I'd love to hear from you!
Until next time, Halloween lovers.
NB
