Good morning, House of Madness wishers:
If you had three wishes, would you use them wisely, or would you waste them all on free beer like I probably would? As with everything in life, choices have consequences, so choose with your heart, not your brain.
Happy Birthday
Evan sat patiently at the table in the Starbucks by his apartment, waiting for his buddy Eric to show up and fill him in on all the details of his recent trip to Nepal. It was strange that Eric hadn't made contact since arriving home two days ago, but their weekly coffee meet-ups were set in stone (when one of them wasn't out of the country of course), so there was no need to fret about Eric's unusual tardiness. Just as Evan was about to order his second cafe-o-grande-bullshit-drinkolous (he hated their ordering system), Eric walked in the door, and he looked like a pale former version of himself. His cheeks were sunken, his hair was a disheveled mess, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. "Eric, you ok, bro? You look like shit!" Evan said with concern. "Happy birthday" Eric said flatly as he turned to leave. "What the fuck? Eric, what's going on with you - are you ok!?" Evan said sternly, trying not to cause a scene. "Happy birthday" Eric echoed, and as swiftly as he arrived, he was gone. "What the fuck?' Evan mumbled to himself as he headed back to his table, and he noticed a box waiting for him that Eric must have left in the commotion of his strange behaviour. As Evan tried to piece together the last five minutes, he inadvertently began opening his birthday present, unaware of the hell he was about to bestow upon himself and the world.
As Evan sat at his table in solitude, he stared at the contents of the box with complete disbelief. It was one of those prop monkey's paws he'd seen on all of those Halloween horror movies as a kid, but it looked so real and life-like. As he picked it up out of the box, the fist suddenly started to quiver, and the three fingers it housed rose straight up, as if reaching for the sky. "No fucking way" Evan said to himself as he scanned the shop, but everyone was busy either chatting, ordering, or deeply involved with their electronic device of choice. Evan quickly shuffled the paw back into its box and headed for the door; this was going to be fun.
Evan was back at his apartment ten minutes later (should have been five, but the construction going on outside of his building was horrendous), and after a brief pitstop to 'bleed his weed' as he always joked, he was ready to test his latest acquisition. "No way this thing actually works, right?" he said to himself as he lifted it once again from the box. This time, however, when he removed the paw he noticed an inscription on the bottom, and as he tilted it back he could just make out the words 'Something given, Something lost'. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he said as he studied the strange artifact. "Whatever, let's see what this baby can do" Evan whispered to his kitchen, and if his future self were listening, he would have screamed at him to stop with all of his might.
Evan's future self was of course not listening, so as he stared at the paw and said "I wish……" and his thoughts were drowned out by jackhammers, bulldozers, and dump trucks which were relentlessly driving him mad these days. Without thinking, Evan said "I wish all this construction was fucking DONE", and just like that one of the monkey paw's fingers closed into its fist once again, and what came next absolutely horrified Evan. The structure the construction crew was building began to collapse, crushing everyone below; jackhammers went ballistic and tore their handlers to pieces, while dump trucks and bulldozers caught ablaze by seemingly nothing, providing their operators with metal caskets of flames. Surely this was all some kind of crazy coincidence, right?! This thing can't be real; this kind of shit only happens in the movies. The more Evan tried to make sense of it, the more he realized he was responsible for approximately 200 deaths.
Evan frantically got on his cell and dialed Eric expecting no answer, but Eric picked up on the second ring. "Eric! What the fuck is this thing!? You've gotta take it back!" to which Eric calmly replied "Wish number one can't be undone. Wish number two will also come true. Wish number three will set me free." and he hung up the phone. "ERIC!!! ERIC!!!" Evan screamed into the dead receiver in his hand, and he looked at the monkey's paw with contempt and hatred. As he was about to throw it out the window, his phone rang and Eric once again spoke into his ear "Once all three fingers are drawn, you must pass it on", and Eric was gone once again. "What the fuck is this crazy bullshit!? Evan screamed into his apartment as his mind raced searching for a solution. "Nobody is going to believe a shemp like me if I try to explain this", Evan said to himself, and suddenly he had an epiphany and blurted out "I wish I was famous!". The second finger on the monkey's paw collapsed into its fist, so Evan googled himself on his phone and turned on the television in hopes of an update of what was happening outside. He turned to the local news station, and couldn't believe his ears "Hunted serial killer Evan Greene of Carlsbad Township who was last spotted at a nearby coffee shop has been assumed responsible for the carnage at a local construction site." The TV then cut to a video of Evan yelling out his window, throwing grenades and firing automatic rifles into the mob of workers. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!!!! I'LL FUCKING DESTROY YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKING MENACE!!!!", and as Evan grabbed the paw, he felt an overwhelming sensation, and instead of ripping it to shreds, he found himself saying "I wish I had all the money in the world".
It's been three weeks since Evan's final wish, and as tough as it's been living in a world that crumbled instantly - he watched it happen from the isolated island he awoke on, it's been equally hard knowing he has a fortune he can never appreciate, as he's alone on an island with no means of escape. As if on cue, Evan sees a man swimming towards the shore of his isolated kingdom, and as Evan waves ecstatically to the man, the man is equally as excited to find solace in a tropical paradise. As the man walks up, Evan embraces him and the man quickly says "Oh, thank you, thank you! I'm John, I thought I was a goner!" to which Evan replies "Happy birthday" and hands him a box.
NB
