Good evening, House of Madness Dads:
First of all, Happy Father's Day! Secondly, although great Dads out there are what we're celebrating today, in the House of Madness we're here to discuss all those iffy Dads that don't really exist, and if you came across one of them in real life, you'd best turn and head the other way. If Hallmark Channel Dads are your fancy, you're a long way from home, so please follow the exit signs dripping with blood (freshly squeezed!), and we'll give you a 45 second head start before we release the demon dogs. Let's begin!
Jack Torrence (The Shining - 1980): This is a scary list, so why not start off with a scary Dad? Can you imagine being his son and having to tell him you accidentally hit a baseball through the shed window? Best save your allowance so you can pay for said emergencies yourself without having to deal with worrying about what kind of mood Dad is in.
Jerry (The Stepfather - 1987): Not only do you have to worry about your real Dad, now there's a new sheriff in town, and he's in a real bad mood. Don't like what Jerry has to say? Don't worry, it'll probably be over quick like it was for his last family, just remember not to bleed on the new carpet.
Jupiter (The Hills Have Eyes - 1977): Nothing says Father's Day like a good old fashioned massacre followed up with dinner! Not only do you get to take out all that pent up aggression, you're also set up with groceries for a week. Sweet!
Dad Meiks (Frailty - 2001): When you're compelled by God himself to rid the world of demons in hiding, who are you to stand in his way? Dad's not crazy, he's just doing what he's told, right? RIGHT!?
Louis Creed (Pet Sematary - 1989): Got a little problem with death? Don't worry about it when Louis is on the case! So maybe your wife comes back from the dead smelling a little funky, and her face is kinda droopy; so what, at least she's not dead anymore - stop being selfish.
For each and every one of the Dads mentioned above there's thousands of really great Dads that exist, and those are the ones we celebrate every year. Besides, I'm sure these aforementioned Dads meant well, they just lack that extra little something that make great Dads great.
Happy Father's Day!
NB
