Good afternoon, House of Madness sea creatures:
There's nothing like watching a movie that really gets the audience involved, and makes the experience feel more like a fantasy camp than a concentration camp. The twists and thrills movies like "Jurassic Park" and "Star Wars" provide, leave you almost in a cold sweat by the time the credits roll. An over-the-top Schwarzeneggar flick can leave you breathless from the action packed excitement, and laughter after trying to produce your best "Get to da choppah!" immitation for your friends. Films like these are almost an event, rather than just a couple of hours spent on a Friday night that stay with you for days, and are the talk of the lunch room on your Monday morning coffee break. Well, let me just say that "Immersion" left my voice hoarse and my arms sore, not from screeching with terror or covering my eyes, but from constantly yelling "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" while throwing my arms up in disgust and disbelief.
Sisters Claudia (Mariela Mignot) and Teresita (Consuelo Carreno) are sailing with their father *who remains nameless all movie, so we'll just call him Dad* (Alfredo Castro) to take some pictures of their lakefront property in order to sell it. The property is well hidden, and there are no roads leading in or out; if you want to visit, you'd better have a boat, a helicopter, or be Michael Phelps. As they're sailing along, Tere decides it's time for some topless sunbathing to which her father disapproves, and we get our first glimpse of them butting heads. Dad gives in and the nipple baking resumes. Soon after, Dad sees a small boat up ahead that seems to be in some distress. As the stranded men see the sailboat in the distance, they begin waving their arms to get its attention proving that they're in a situation they can't escape on their own. This would be a little bit easier for the audience to sympathize with, had the boat not been close-ish to shore, and was taking place in an ocean instead of a lake. I guess Dad has the same suspicions, because he looks the men over, and even as one is swimming towards the sailboat, Dad quickly changes direction and decides to take a detour, while screaming at Tere to get dressed. Tere points out the people in trouble, but Dad says they're just "joking" and don't need any help. Further pleas to his ignorance fall on deaf ears, so the family trio continues on their day trip to the beach house.
When they arrive, the grounds are scattered with wine bottles and trash. The front door unlocks, only to then topple over like a domino, leading to evidence inside that they have themselves a potential squatter problem. Whatever, the place has been on the market for months, and Dad is hellbent on getting it fixed up instead of accepting a sale for a fraction of its worth. Found a free harpoon gun though, so it's not a total disaster. Dad is doing his best to get whatever decent pictures he can, while tidying up the exterior littered with trash, but Tere won't stop pestering him about the people they left in the middle of the lake, and threatens to denounce him as her father if any harm comes to the abandoned strangers. Claudia starts to chime in as well, which sets Dad off on a puzzling mission of self sabotage while trying to teach his daughters some kind of life lesson that Jerry Blake from "The Stepfather" would have called moronic and left him questioning Dad's parenting skills.
The three of them once again set sail, this time with Dad's surefire plan of picking up the sinking samaritans, only to have them murder him and his daughters, so he can say "SEE!? I TOLD YOU THEY LOOKED 'OFF' AND WE SHOULD HAVE MINDED OUR OWN BUSINESS!!!". Teaching his daughters a lesson with real life consequences may have been Dad's intent, but after retrieving the two men Conrrado (Alex Quevedo) and Walter (Michael Silva) from the water, it seems they're friendly, although maybe a tad perturbed that they were left for dead not long ago. The man Dad saw swimming towards him earlier is their friend Adrian, who is now nowhere to be found. Dad still has major trust issues with his two new crew members, but agrees to drive around the lake in hopes of finding their friend Adrian. After checking one campsite, Alex suggests they check a big house that Adrian often stays at, and it's not far from their current location. Of course, Alex is talking about Dad's house and once they arrive, begin searching the house and woods for Adrian. Ok, Dad's had his fun, so it's time to grab his daughters and get the fuck out of here now that the two men are safe on dry land, yes?
Nope. Now that Dad has clearly taught his daughters a lesson in 'stranger danger', the best course of action would be to see his plan through, and bring Alex and Conrrado to the police station where they can be prosecuted for trespassing and being untrustworthy. Is this Dad for real? I've seen better parenting on episodes of "Cops". As they all get back on the boat, tempers flare up but quickly settle, and Dad agrees to go back to where they rescued the men to look for Adrian one last time before it gets too dark. Tere takes this as an opportunity to jump off the ship for no reason whatsoever, but is swiftly rescued by Alex and Conrrado after a brief search. Conrrado is now given the navigation reponsibilities, so that Dad and his daughters can enjoy some family bonding below deck. As they argue, Dad brandishes the harpoon gun he discovered back at the house, and he means business. Although I wasn't sure what kind of business Dad had planned, I took a well educated guess and assumed it was going to be a failing business, and he'd wish he had never opened shop that day. Turns out I was right and thank fuck for that, my neighbours were starting to ask what all the screaming was about, and are curious as to where I keep this fucking boat I've been on about.
I can't say for certain, and I'd definitely have to brush up on my Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Immersion" translates to "Horrible Dad". Fuck that guy.
Madness Meter: 4.1/10
NB
