Good evening, House of Madness mummies:
Ok, ok, I know I've already stated my disdain for Christmas horror movies, but I guess I never truly realized just how many there are, with a lot of them taking place during Christmas very subtly. Obviously I'm not talking about "Krampus" (2015), "Santa Claws" (1996), or "A Christmas Horror Story" (2015), I'm talking about horror movies I grew up watching that I never really associated with the holiday season. I'm talking about "Gremlins" (1984) which you may argue isn't a horror movie, but if you watched it for the first time as an 8 year old, I'm sure it left an impression deeper than a cute little furball named Gizmo. I'd also bring up one of my favourite little hidden gems from 2003 called "Dead End". I enjoyed this movie so much when it first came out, that I never once thought of it as a Christmas movie even though it takes place on Christmas Eve. I guess we're brought to an obvious question next: If a movie takes place on screen during Christmas, does that make it a Christmas movie? Some would say yes, and some would say no, but if we tried to associate every single movie with the closest holiday it coincides with, we'd be watching "Weekend at Bernie's" every Easter. As much as I'd enjoy Bernie's resurrection, I'm not sure the religious theme is or should be one of the main focal points. This brings us to "Night of the Comet", a film that takes place close to Christmas, but the film isn't so much about the time of year, as it is about the lack of cheer.
Things kick off with Reg (Catherine Mary Stewart), a typical valley girl working at a movie theater to earn some extra bucks. Things are just a little more chaotic on this day than normal, because a comet is heading straight for Earth in the very near future. No reason for concern though, comets come and comets go, but nobody wants to miss out on the action or the all important parties that come with such a rare sighting. As people fill the streets ready to witness what is being reported all over the news, Reg decides to make an extra $15 by staying in the projector room and 'making it' with the projectionist (he's not my boyfriend!) Larry for the night, even though the $15 is in exchange for her company, and not her nudity. Sure Larry.
When Reg and Larry wake up the next morning, Larry heads out to chase down a movie reel he erroneously lent to a so-called friend, and Reg agrees to stay behind in case Larry's pal shows up afterall. As Larry gets to his motorcycle, he is greeted hastily by someone or something that would be considered handsome on an episode of "The Walking Dead", and is quickly disposed of in horrifying fashion. Reg decides to play some video games to pass the time, and can't believe what she sees when she opens the front doors to take a gander outside. Where the fuck is everybody? Saturday morning and not a soul in sight. Weird. Really fucking weird. She accidentally locks herself out of the theater, and sees Larry's motorcycle still in its parking spot as she checks out back. Mr. Handsome is still there, but he's no match for Reg's highly trained fighting style, and she takes off on Larry's bike to go and check on her sister at home.
Not a soul. Nobody. Reg can't believe what she's not seeing as she enters her house in search of her sister Sam (Kelli Maroney). It doesn't take the two sisters long to figure out two and two make less than ten, and the comet has turned everyone either to dust, or some kind of zombie. Reg hears the radio still broadcasting, so the two head out to the radio station in search of survivors. When they arrive, they realize there is no live broadcast, and the entire program is pre-recorded. Suddenly, Reg and Sam are looking down the barrel of a gun, and are questioned about who they are and why they're there. Turns out their aggressor is a friendly (and kinda cute) truck driver named Hector (Robert Beltran), also looking for answers as to what the fuck is going on outside. Hector says he has to head out the next day for San Diego to check on his mom, and although her fate is pretty much already determined, he has to see for himself to be sure. Sam sleeps on a sofa, and has not one nightmare dream sequence, but two! Talk about a movie ahead of its time. Tricky bastards. While Sam has been counting dead sheep, Reg has spent the night with Hector, but insists nothing happened. Shoulda coughed up $15, Hec.
Hector heads off to San Diego, while Reg and Sam do the only thing left to do while the world is being overrun by zombies, and humankind has been wiped out almost entirely: go to the mall for some shopping! As the two sisters try on outfits, glasses, and dance in ways that would make Kevin Bacon kick off his Sunday shoes, they are tormented by thugs that have already claimed the mall as their own, and must have just finished watching "The Purge" on how to behave in a lawless society. The sisters are captured, and as things are about to go from bad to dead, are unexpectedly rescued by underground scientists that have been preparing for the apocalypse for who knows how long. Luckily those scientists had hidden cameras at the radio station, and also had access to the mall via underground tunnels leading up to the indoor surface, or the two Valley girls would have been goners for sure. I was never worried. Reg heads back to perceived freedom while Sam stays behind, and the two will reunite on the next chopper back to salvation. If I've learned anything in my time on this Earth, it's that buying my wife a combined birthday/Christmas present makes me a dipshit, and trusting underground scientists that appear out of seemingly nowhere is probably a bad idea.
Turns out the ventilator system in the underground fortress was left open during the outbreak, and all the scientists are (mostly) unknowingly dying a slow death, headed for Zombieville. Reg is told Sam is dead, and is taken away against her will to be euthanized in order to study her blood in hopes of a possible vaccine. Not so fast, here comes Sam! The two sisters and the imprisoned children they discovered make their way outside hoping to make their escape, when their hero in leather chapped armour Hector arrives to save the day. After sweet talking the guard at the gate (Hector is so cute and persuasive) and eliminating him, Hector rigs the scientist's getaway car with enough explosives to bring down Christian Bale's ego. The empty world is now their oyster, and it smells twice as bad. Oh well, the three of them have each other for their remaining days.....oh, and those two strange kids they found, what could go wrong?
Other than the odd decorated tree, window stencils, and Hector's ill fitted Santa suit, there really is no Christmas 'feel' to "Night of the Comet" but there's certainly an abundance of 80's nostalgia, and although it will never crack my 'must watch list' every December, I'm still thankful it exists, and it hasn't turned to dust.
"Night of the Comet" is yet another fond classic of mine that you can catch over on Shudder.
Madness Meter: 6.4/10
NB
