Our Top 10 Scary Movies

Good morning, House of Madness shapeshifters:

Today I thought it might be fun to make a list of some of the all-time scariest movies (in my opinion). Some of these aren't necessarily in my top 10 favourite horror movies of all-time, as I do really fancy an all-round great story, even if it goes a little light on the frights. A great example of this would be "Midsommar" (2019), a movie I sped to see in the theatre and left with delightful satisfaction. It wasn't really scary in the traditional sense, it was more of a mind fuck that left your brain asking for a cigarette afterwards, said it would call you sometime, and politely shooed you out of its cranium. I love getting mind fucked, but we're not here for that list today, today we're going to talk about movies that are downright terrifying to watch.

I suggest a setting in which you're watching in your pitch black basement, knowing nothing about what you're about to see, it's 2:30 a.m., and if you try to get up and go for a pee, your face will be instantly gnawed off by flying millipedes.......ok, maybe that last part was a bit much, but mutated millipedes aside, the rest is the atmosphere I'm implying. Watching a horror movie during the day with the curtains open while folding laundry not only makes the film hit differently, it's also illegal in the House of Madness, and is punishable by constant tickling, whilst Steve Urkel narrates the script of "Battlefield Earth" in earnest. Ok great, we're all settled in and know how the list operates. Let's begin!

This list is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER, so save the objections for Barthellomew in the complaints department of madness (Mon-Fri from 1 a.m. til 6 a.m.), thank you.

1. "Sinister" (2012) When this movie dropped, I thought it looked promising, but would most likely fall short, because although it had a modest budget of $3,000,000, it also had a big name star (Ethan Hawke), and a lot of the time in horror, this just doesn't gel (piss off, "Hide and Seek"). However, I was delightfully wrong in this instance. "Sinister's" combination of creepy found footage along with the disturbing overall atmosphere of the house make it an uncomfortable joy to watch.

2. "The Blair Witch Project" (1999)  The hype of whether this film was 'real' or not when it first released is what intrigued people to flock to the theatres initially, but it was no fluke that it was a global success story that scared the pants off my cat (he was always cold and insisted on wearing pants). With a mere $60,000 budget, it grossed nearly $250,000,000 worldwide, and earned every fucking penny.

3. "The Changeling" (1980) Shout out to one mister George C. Scott who took his acting chops normally reserved for higher brow projects, and gave us what I believe to be his finest performance (sorry Mr. Scrooge). This is what a haunted house movie should look like.

4. "Paranormal Activity" Yeah, yeah, that's two found footage flicks already. I don't care where the footage on my screen is found, as long as it delivers the scares, which this does in spades. FF movies either work for you, or they don't, and often the gripes people project have nothing to do with the actual movie, and they just don't enjoy the FF style. Cool. Don't watch FF movies, and then complain about everything except for what the movie is actually about, ok? Thanks. Bottom line, this movie rocks, and my wife still can't finish it.

5. "Event Horizon" (1997) I don't care if some would rather classify this as more of a sci-fi than a horror, but when the two are combined, it makes for claustrophobic chaos. Laurence Fishburne has never been more badass than he was in this film, and it's an absolutely horrifying galactic classic.

6. "The Thing" (1982) Another sci-fi horror classic that's light on the science, and high on the tension. It doesn't take long for the feelings of paranoia to sink in, and once they do, we're in for a full throttle ride to Terror Town. I hold this movie in such high regard not only because it has Kurt Russell and Keith David in it, but also for the reason that after 40 years, it still holds up and can scare with the best of them.

7. "Ring" (1998) Although I thought they did a fantastic job, and I really enjoyed the American remake, on this list I'm talking about the Hideo Nakata version from Japan. This movie brings a level of terror you're not going to experience without the help of a 3-D movie starring your angry wife, so definitely keep your baseball bat reserved for vengeful ghosts close by.

8. "The Shining" (1980) Although Stephen King himself didn't care much for this adaptation of his #1 best selling book, I've experienced both versions and love them each individually. The Overlook Hotel is still the scariest place I've ever seen but never been, and every time my son breaks through the bathroom door with an axe, he still screams "Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!". Hahahahaha, kids!

9. "Host" (2020) Going back and remembering all the great horrors of old, it's easy to overlook and not give new horror a chance. This movie isn't even an hour long (57 minutes to be exact), but after tricking you into thinking it's going to be about annoying teenagers for the duration, it pulls the rug out and shows its real tentacles, and teenagers (annoying or not) meet different fates which would leave a mortician covering his or her eyes.

10. "IT" (2017) Like many, I've read the book and seen the 1990 made for TV version, but I was none too ready for what I witnessed on the big screen this time. Tim Curry's performance in the original was magnificent and hats off to him, but Bill Skarsgard accepted the role, embraced it, covered it with evil sauce, and cooked it to perfection. Pennywise has, and will continue to scar many's perception of clowns, which is bad news for birthday parties, but great news for horror fans.

There we have it, my list of the ten scariest movies for you to watch, if you haven't seen them already. Please leave your "This list sucks!" and "Where the fuck is 'The Exorcist' you stupid hack!" comments below for me to enjoy and cherish later, or let me know a few of your favourites if you so choose. Join me tomorrow, as I reveal my wife's top 10 list of ways I load the dishwasher wrong. Until then!

NB