Good morning, House of Madness residents:
I don't know about you, but I often struggle with decision making. Late night leftover pizza? Bad idea. Going for a nice long walk before I've had my morning shit? Bad idea. Tuning in to the latest spinoff of "The Walking Dead" expecting fresh ideas and original takes on the zombie front? Bad idea. Although the aforementioned displays of brain farts may seem like head scratchers, they're nothing in the realm of poor decision making compared to the thought processing skills of our protagonist Mia (Camille Sullivan) in "Shelby Oaks".
It's been years since Mia's sister Riley (Sarah Durn) went missing in a small, abandoned town called Shelby Oaks, where she was filming the latest episode for her popular ghost hunting show 'Paranormal Paranoids'. Although the rest of her film crew have turned up brutally murdered, there is still no sign of Riley, and although Mia has since married and tried to move on with her life, she has never given up hope on one day solving her sister's disappearance, in hopes of bringing her home alive. One day, out of the blue, a strange man shows up on Mia's doorstep, and proceeds to paint her front porch with his brains, without a single stroke of a brush - well done, sir! Upon further inspection, Mia realizes his left hand is grasping a tape labeled 'Shelby Oaks', and proceeds to pocket the treasure before the police can seize it for themselves. This is the first of Mia's questionable decisions, yet it's also the one that most audience members understand and can resonate with, as we'd most likely do the same thing if in her shoes. The rest of Mia's decisions from this point on, however? Questionable at best.
From simply not washing your face after being splattered with the innards of a complete stranger, to having an epiphany and proceeding to act on it in the dead of night, rather than wait until first light, are only a couple of examples of poor decision making skills, and instead of rooting for our on-screen hero, we're left screaming at our television screens over and over again as Mia makes one ridiculous decision after another. What would I do if someone I loved went missing, and I finally felt I had an inkling of where they might be? Can't say for sure, but I'm almost positive that by doing the complete opposite of everything displayed in this film, I'd have a pretty decent rate of success. Perhaps George Costanza was onto something in that regard. Whatever your level of survivor skills happens to be, simply remember the three G's of "Shelby Oaks":
- Go alone.
- Go at night.
- Good decisions are for pussies.
Madness Meter: 4.9/10
NB
