Good morning, House of Madness patients:
I'm not usually the type that excitedly tries to guess the 'twist' of a film as it's just getting started, as not only do I suck at it, but I find myself scrutinizing shortcomings that aren't necessarily there as I investigate clues with the prowess of a potato. The only time I ever got one right was with 2004's "The Village" when I turned to my girlfriend (now wife) and whispered "If this turns out to be bullshit, and they're living in modern times in secrecy, I'm gonna lose my shit.", which I did after the credits rolled, and the only thing that could have made it even sillier would have been Bryce Dallas Howard reading braille with her nipples. Fuck that movie. Yet for some reason when I started watching "Sick", my brain wanted to go into super sleuth mode and decide what I was watching before the film's happenings actually entered my line of sight. I think it was probably because of the opening statistics the film begins with on Covid, so I got all smart and sophisticated while I turned on my inner metaphor detector looking for invisible fallacies that never came to fruition. Bottom line, while I was pre-judging every frame of the movie because I'm so smart, I almost missed out on a pretty decent slasher flick, but fortunately for me, I never lost total focus, or completely yard saled mentally.
"Sick" starts out with Tyler (Joel Courtney), just a regular college kid roaming the aisles of a depleted grocery store during the pandemic, yearning for toilet paper, tissues, or other supplies required for everyday butt maintenance. No dice. Oh well, at least everything isn't hoarded, and as Tyler strolls by shelf after shelf gathering what he needs, he starts receiving text messages from an unknown sender. What starts out as what Tyler feels is an innocent prank, escalates to him looking over his shoulder as he anxiously speed-walks to his vehicle. Tyler safely makes his way back to his apartment, but as he's about to put his groceries away, he notices his front door is wide open. Did he forget to close it? Before he can say "Anderson Cooper", he's jumped from behind by a masked assailant, and after a brief struggle in which Tyler defends himself admirably, he eventually succumbs to the attacker's advances, and we're hit with the opening credits. Off to a great start, even though at this point of the film I'm exerting my inner Sherlock Holmes with the accuracy and tact of a four-headed court jester. What's next?
Friends Parker (Gideon Adlon) and Miri (Bethlehem Million) are packing up a few things on campus, as they prepare to head up to Parker's lavish cabin for a weekend to escape life during the pandemic. They load Parker's Range Rover with masks, wipes, sanitizer, and all other necessities to ensure they don't contract or spread Covid during their little weekend getaway, and once they reach the secluded cabin with no neighbours for miles, the two friends head down to the dock to catch some sun and take a dip. Everything is absolutely perfect, except for these strange texts Parker is receiving from an unknown number inquiring about whether she's having fun, or plans on swimming. BLOCKED. Whew, that was easy, now on with the mini vacay! Drinks are made and downed, food is prepared and devoured, and the night is still young; what could be better? Suddenly, a vehicle pulls into the driveway and the unknown driver is quickly ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door like a child needing the restroom during a long cross-country drive after sucking back eleven Dr. Peppers. Turns out the knife Parker grabbed before answering the door was unnecessary, as the unannounced guest is just Parker's ex-boyfriend DJ (Dylan Sprayberry). Phew! My superior investigative skills still have me thinking I'm just watching the story I've already got figured out in my mind, just frothing at the mouth ready to exclaim my intellect as soon as the time presents itself. I can't wait.
After quickly convincing the girls to let him stay, the party is revived and there's no holding back. One problem though - there's an unknown guest secretly stalking the house that we can see in the shadows, but hasn't made his or her presence known to the partiers. As the night winds down, the three friends head off to their separate sleeping quarters, and one by one their phones are taken, ensuring that help is more than just a dial away. DJ first realizes that they're not alone, and does his best to divert and incapacitate the intruder while the girls get to his vehicle and escape. A valiant effort, Sir DJ, but alas, his efforts were for naught as the tires have all been slashed, and escape for Parker and Miri will prove to be more difficult than anticipated. After some cat and mouse, Miri is seriously injured as she falls off the roof, and Parker realizes there's actually two masked assassins instead of the originally assumed one, as the body of the one she has managed to kill is being investigated by the second. Parker makes a break for the detachable dock, with the unknown assailant giving chase. Parker frantically untethers the dock just in time to thwart her pursuer's plans of a romantic voyage together into the 'Tunnel of Love', but as she's paddling for her life, he must have activated his secret Mer-Man abilities because he's now terrorizing her from underneath the moving dock in the pitch black, with enough leverage to stab her repeatedly through the cracks between boards. Parker literally swims for her life as more chasing ensues followed by more hide-and-seek until we finally reach the film's climax. YES! This is the part when I finally get to boast to my television and all the inanimate objects that will listen, "I KNEW IT! HOLY SHIT, DID I CALL THAT, OR WHAT!?'.
Turns out the correct answer is "WHAT", thanks for playing. I'm not saying that just because I was wrong about the ending with my Inspector Gadget sized crime IQ that "Sick" turned out to be a flawless masterpiece, far from it in actuality, but through the haze and fog of my self-righteous attitude lies a very decent slasher film, even if it doesn't bring anything really new or earth shattering to the genre. Just make sure to watch it with an open mind, because often when we think we're being clever, we're in fact outsmarting ourselves, and I should probably conserve that brain power in order to channel it towards something more my speed - like reading the instructions on the back of a shampoo bottle, or doing the daily online crossword puzzle with minimal cheating. I hereby promise myself never to try and guess the outcome of a film again, unless it's during a forced second viewing of "The Village" - fuck that movie.
6/10
NB
