Good morning, House of Madness residents:
Huge apologies for the gap since my last posting, but I've been dealing with some health issues that have kept me otherwise preoccupied. Now that I'm on the mend, I can continue bringing you the mediocre content you've all come to expect! It's great to be back, so I hope you enjoy this story I cooked up while in the hospital, and as always, thanks SO much for reading!
Situation Critical
Four days Bill Knapp had been in this fuckin death trap of a hospital, four fuckin days with no end in sight. Perhaps if Bill had taken better care of himself over the years he wouldn’t be in this mess, but Bill loved the finer things in life - mainly cheeseburgers and beer. Every day Bill woke up hoping today was the day he’d get to eat, yet each day came and went with Bill surviving on nothing more than oxygen and IV fluids. Hunger pains aside, Bill was slowly beginning to lose his mind as he tried to pass the time with his cell phone and a book of half completed crossword puzzles, and little else. Throw in a couple of loony roommates (or cellmates as Bill called them), and Bill wasn’t so sure that this whole idea about wanting to live was really worth it. Then he heard it, “Tim Raaaaaiiiiinnnnnns” came a whisper from the shared bathroom in his ward room. “What the fuck? Who’s there!?” Bill beckoned quietly while his clueless cellmates slept as they seemingly did 24 hours a day. “Tim Raaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnns” the voice whispered again, but as Bill swung the door open and flipped on the light, there was nobody there but Bill’s reflection in the mirror.
“Good afternoon, Bill” his nurse Sarah said as she brought in Bill’s afternoon insulin shot. “Sarah, how many people are in the room next to me?” Bill said inquisitively. “There’s nobody staying directly next to you, Bill, the nurse’s station is right next door, and there’s our storage closet on the other side. Why?” “Nevermind”, Bill said, and held out his arm for his shot. After Sarah left to do her rounds, Bill started to nod off dreaming about pizza and tacos, and just as he was about to join his cellmates in the land beyond, he heard it again. “Tim Raaaaaiiiiiiinnnnns” whispered the voice seemingly coming from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Groggy no more, Bill sat bolt upright and screamed “WHO THE FUCK IS TIM RAINES!? I’M BILL! NOW FUCK OFF!”, to which he was greeted by a flurry of shushes and a second visit from his nurse Sarah. “Bill? Are you ok? What’s with all the screaming?” Sarah said, and Bill just looked at her and said “Sorry”, and drifted off to sleep.
“Great news!” Bill heard as he was startled awake, and saw Sarah standing over his bed. “You get to eat! And if that goes well, you’ll be able to go home tomorrow, isn’t that great!?” Sarah said jovially with a huge grin on her face. “T-t-that’s great” Bill said through a fog of fatigue that was now starting to lift, “That’s the best news I’ve had all year!” and Bill started fantasizing about nachos and hoagies while his mouth watered like a labrador retriever staring at a roast beef sandwich. When dinner came, the spinach salad with cranberries, chicken, and feta cheese sure didn’t look like a plate of nachos, but it may have just been the greatest fucking thing Bill had ever tasted, although Bill was pretty sure Sarah could have fed him a bowl of Pissios and he would have gobbled it down just as greedily. “All done?” Sarah asked. “If you keep that down and your body reacts well, you’ll be outta here tomorrow for sure!”, and Bill couldn’t stop smiling.
“Tim Raaaaaiiiiiinnnnns” came the voice again in the middle of the night, and Bill’s eyes searched through the blackness of his room for something taking credit for that awful voice, yet nothing appeared. “Tim Raaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnns” the voice beckoned once more, and this time Bill had had enough, and pushed his call button to summon the nurse. “Hi, how can I help?” the nurse said as she came into the room. “Where’s Sarah?” Bill asked angrily. “Sarah’s gone home, I’m Pardeep, and I’ll be your nurse tonight.” “The hell you will!” Bill said as he started unhooking himself from the machines and tore his IV from his arm, leaving a bloody mess. “Sir, you can’t……..” “This isn’t a fucking prison! I can leave if I goddamn well want to!” Bill exclaimed as he slid on his shoes and threw on his t-shirt, and before Pardeep could say another word, Bill was already past her and headed for the elevator. When the elevator doors opened, Bill saw a security guard and immediately began to run, looking over his shoulder to see if the guard had given chase, but the guard still stood there with a confused look on his face. As Bill darted out the front doors, he made a b-line for the parking lot where his trusty old Pontiac Sunfire awaited him, but as he left the curb he was met by the bumper of a Cadillac, and was killed instantly. “Oh my God!” said the man as he jumped out from behind the wheel of the Caddy, “He came out of nowhere! I didn’t even see him!” the man screamed to anyone that would listen. “Easy, easy, I saw the whole thing, you never had a chance!” said the security guard as paramedics rushed to Bill’s body. “Let’s get you inside and looked at, Doctor…..” “Raines, Dr. Tim Raines. Thank you.” the man said, and they hustled inside to get away from the chaos.
NB
