Good afternoon, House of Madness residents:
Intelligence drops. Brain cells plunge. Attention span dips. Expectations plummet. Enjoyment collapses. "Snow Falls". It's been a while since I've endured a film like this, and when the credits rolled, I felt like I should have received an honorary plaque of recognition for sticking it out to the end, a trophy awarded to the 'Person With Immeasurable Tolerance', or at the very least an apology from all involved in its creation. Yes, it's been a while indeed since I've been watching a film and caught my brain wandering into another dimension, only instead of fantasizing about anything particularly interesting, I found myself daydreaming about the most mundane things in life, simply because anything is more interesting than this movie. Visions of paying credit card bills and feeding parking meters captivated my mind, as my eyes caked over with some kind of disgusted paste which was assuredly created as a defense mechanism from my immune system in a last ditch effort to banish the disease currently attempting to hijack my thought process. When all was said and done, I looked around the room in an almost comatose state, anxiously checking all of my orifices for evidence of a probe intrusion. It seems I'm safe for now, but I'd be considered an enemy of the state if I didn't warn others before another Friday night falls victim to this entertainment impostor, and feel like it's almost my duty to protect the eyes of others. I love you, Batman.
"Snow Falls" starts out as your typical college horror movie: a bunch of friends head up to an isolated cabin with no cell reception for a New Year's Eve bash, and even though the weather forecast is grim, are prepared for an emergency with the preparation skills of an eggplant. After a day of partying, the power goes out, and the backup generator has no gas; the most important thing to remember when you buy a generator for your isolated cabin with unpredictable blizzards and weather irregularity, is to render it useless by not having the means to operate it. Just to be sure you're maximizing your unnecessary struggles, it's wise to also ensure you have just enough firewood to keep your heating emergencies at bay for a minimum of two hours. The group has been there a day or two (who cares) until they suddenly start behaving like Ethan Hawke's football team from the movie "Alive", only Ethan Hawke and his fellow survivors did more with a few plane seats and sunflower seeds than these clowns could muster after being 'trapped' in a full-on mansion with plenty of resources. I would have almost preferred if the group of college asshats had indeed started to eat each other for survival, I mean, it's been at least 3 days since they've had any real food besides steak, sandwiches, soup, chips, and water from the neverending tap supply, so the tension is as thick as an amoeba, while they cope with half its IQ.
At this point I just wanted it to end, so I could go slam my dick in the door to cap off a perfect evening, but now they're starting to introduce the idea of evil snow which is responsible for their plight much like the contaminated water in "Cabin Fever" or "The Crazies". More stupidity and unwarranted panic continues, until we finally, FINALLY get to the end and are presented with a twist that left my cat looking at me and saying "Are they fucking serious?" as he fell back asleep dreaming of anything other than "Snow Falls". Even its runtime of roughly 80 minutes felt like it took three weeks to transpire, but if it actually had been that long, I'd have been dead and buried ages ago with what I learned from this band of dipshits. I hope there's a sequel!
Madness Meter: 2.2/10
NB
