Good morning, House of Madness residents:
If you found out you were able to use your brain to its full capacity, how would you channel your newfound brain power? As always, I hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading!
Standing Ovation
It was just a regular Thursday morning, and Jimmy LaPorta was enjoying his morning coffee in the kitchen while his wife Jackie was getting ready for work in their bedroom. As he got up to put his empty mug in the dishwasher, he heard his wife yell "Watch your step in front of the sink, the damn thing overflowed again!", but by the time his brain computed what she had said, he was already on his way down, feet straight up over his head as his skull introduced itself to their marble floor. "Jimmy! Jimmy! Oh my God, are you ok!?" Jackie shouted as she stood overtop of his body. "I think so", Jimmy said as he slowly sat up and rubbed the back of his head. As he got to his feet, Jimmy felt a strange sensation all through bis body, almost as if he were rejuvenated rather than decimated by his little spill. "Pass me that, would you sweetheart?" Jimmy said as he pointed at the crossword puzzle in the paper he was reading. "But you hate those", Jackie said confusedly, but handed it to him anyways. Within 30 seconds, Jimmy had the entire crossword done, but that wasn't the most remarkable thing either, he completed it entirely left-handed, and he had always been a righty. "I think you should stay home", Jackie said uneasily, "I think you may have a concussion". "Nonsense!" Jimmy exclaimed, "I've never felt so….so…..ALIVE!" and he kissed Jackie on the cheek as he headed off to the gym.
On the short drive over to the gym, Jimmy couldn't stop thinking about how he had absolutely dominated that crossword puzzle, and stared at his left hand as if it were an extra appendage growing out of his forehead. As he entered the gym, instead of getting changed like he always did, Jimmy headed straight for the bench press in his shirt and tie, and laughed upon his first press of 200 lbs. Next it was 300lbs. Then 400, 500, and before he knew it, he could put no more weight on the machine as he still lifted with ease. After drawing attention because of his outfit, Jimmy found he had a small crowd staring in awe as he lifted and lifted without so much as a huff or a puff. "You're a fuckin' beast, dude!" someone shouted, but Jimmy heard nothing, and just kept on lifting. Once Jimmy had finally made it through every machine in the gym, he was like a hippopotamus in a library as everyone gawked at what they had just witnessed with absolute disbelief. "Well, I'd better get to work, everybody" Jimmy said as he squeezed through the small crowd of onlookers, and headed straight for the exit instead of to the showers, because he wasn't even breaking a sweat.
"Am I a superhero?" Jimmy asked into the rearview mirror as he admired himself, and gave himself a wink as he drove down to the car dealership. "Good morning, Mr. LaPorta" Geneane said from the customer service desk as Jimmy walked into the building. "Good morning, Geneane! It's going to be a glooooooooorious day!" and Jimmy walked into his office and closed the door, planning to check his messages first thing as he did every day. There were two messages, and they were both from Jackie checking to see how his head was, and insisting on letting her take him to the doctor. For some reason this infuriated him, and as Geneane walked into his office, he grabbed her around the throat with his left hand and squeezed until he felt her spine snap, and his fingers were touching. As Geneane lay lifeless on the floor, her neck shrunken to the size of a banana, Jimmy stared at her corpse with horror, "WHAT HAVE I DONE!? OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?".
Before anyone else could arrive for work, Jimmy ran out to his car and sped off towards home, still unable to cope with what had just happened. "I killed her!" he screamed into his windshield, and wiped away the tears as they flew back in the wind coming from his open driver's side window. Before he could think anything else, Jimmy looked into the rearview mirror and saw the infamous blue and red lights followed by a siren, looked at his speedometer, and realized he was driving 100 mph. "FUCK!" Jimmy screamed as he started to pull over, forgetting for the time being that he was fresh off of a murder. "License and registration please" the officer said, followed by "You know how fast you were going back there?", to which Jimmy replied with a simple "Fuck you.". "I beg your pardon sir?" the officer said with disbelief. "I said fuck you, now just give me my ticket and I'll be on my way" Jimmy said with inner shock as the words came flying out of his mouth. "Step out of the vehicle, NOW!" the officer demanded, and as Jimmy opened his door and stepped out, his left hand itched and seized the officer by the throat, killing him almost instantly. Jimmy threw the corpse into the police cruiser, and headed home to reintroduce himself to his beautiful wife.
As Jimmy walked in the front door, he looked down and saw he had somehow managed to stop for flowers on the way home without remembering doing so, and called Jackie at work. "Hi hon, I thought maybe you'd come home, pick me up and take me to the doctor after all?", and after he hung up the receiver, his hand itched and itched for another victim. As Jimmy headed to the liquor cabinet to make himself a nice, stiff drink, he looked up into the mirror in anticipation of another admiring glance, but this time the face that stared back at him said "What the fuck are YOU looking at, dipshit?", and the next thing he knew, Jimmy's left hand was squeezing his own throat whilst his right panicked and pulled at it to no avail. Jimmy fell backwards into the counter, and the crossword puzzle he had earlier finished so easily fell over his face with blood covering everything except for the clue of 1 across, which read 'Give yourself a ____' followed by Jimmy's smudged handwriting of the word 'hand'.
NB
