Good afternoon, House of Madness captives:
They say you should never judge a book by its cover. That's some solid advice I've always tried to adhere to, but there are certain circumstances in which this philosophy bears no purpose. I don't need to taste a hotdog from 7-11 to be able to tell you it's barely edible, and I'd be better off looking under my car seat for stray M&M's than to tempt frankfurter fate. I don't need to get to know the guy down the street with a 'keep off the grass' sign to learn that he's a pompous asshat, and I constantly wonder how he mows his lawn, assuming he must use some form of osmosis. I sure as shit don't need to watch a movie on The Hallmark Channel to know that it's going to be 90 minutes of cheese infested fuckery, and when the credits roll, my wife and I will both be crying; her because she's a sucker for sappy movies, and me because I've dug my fingers all the way through my palms, in an attempt of summoning telekinesis in order to strangle everyone on screen. As you can probably guess, I didn't need to watch much more than the trailer for "The Apology" to learn that this was going to be a story with an outcome I already knew, and it was going to take the scenic route when delivering its 'secrets'. Hey, when you know, you know.
Darlene (Anna Gunn) and her bestie from across the street Gretchen (Janeane Garofalo) are making some Christmas goodies for a family gathering Darlene is hosting over the holidays, twenty years after the unsolved disappearance of her daughter Sally. The friends do a little reminiscing, and soon after, Gretchen drives back home which is directly across the street. Perhaps she drove to Darlene's after shopping at the local 'bad shirt outlet mall', but this mystery is never revealed unfortunately. FFS, go green Gretchen! As Darlene locks up and heads up to bed, she pours herself a glass of vodka big enough to satisfy Nic Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas", but before she can enjoy her European utopia, knocks and doorbell chimes bellow, interrupting her little nightcap. Darlene answers the door, and to her shock and surprise, it's her ex brother-in-law Jack (Linus Roache) who explains he was coming to town discretely, in hopes of surprising everyone since he left town twenty years ago. Wait, Darlene's daughter went missing twenty years ago, and Jack left town twenty years ago? Surely this is a red herring so large, that it would consume a shark in one bite, and there's no way what I'm thinking could actually be what's coming, right? Jack explains his presence by saying his car wiped out in the snow storm just a block from Darlene's place, so he figured her house was the most natural option. They talk about Darlene's sister (Jack's ex-wife) a little, but it doesn't take long for us to learn about the affair the two had while Darlene was a raging alcoholic. Turns out Jack's unexpected arrival spared Darlene a nasty fall off the wagon, and the pleasantries they exchange flare up the lust inside of Jack, which Darlene swiftly refuses. What's a guy that pops up out of nowhere in almost twenty years gotta do to get laid these days? Sheesh!
Since Jack's romantic advances were thwarted, he decides now is the best time to share a secret with Darlene that he's been suffering with for two decades. I'm ashamed to admit it, but the suspense I felt at this moment burned like cold water on a moderately warm day. Jack killed Sally. NO FUCKING WAY. His rock solid alibi supported by his co-worker was nothing sinister on his co-worker's behalf, it was simply a case of miscommunication with police as to the actual day things transpired, which was immediately accepted because of shoddy police work. Darlene can't absorb what she's hearing, so she runs upstairs and barricades herself in the bathroom to keep Jack at bay. Jack pleads with her to come out, and explains it's just as important for him to tell the story as it is for Darlene to hear it, to which she complies. Jack brandishes a gun, but promises it's an emergency measure, and he has no intentions of using it.
Jack leads Darlene downstairs and they talk more about what happened to Sally. As Jack tells it, 16 year old Sally was walking home alone and he pulled up and offered her a ride, which she gladly accepted. The two then headed to a secluded area, laid a blanket down, and Sally broke down crying as the two discussed Darlene's alcoholism while Jack consoled her. One thing led to another and......Darlene refuses to believe Sally would be a willing paricipant in such a disgusting act, and manages to get the gun away as the lights go out, in what will be the first of many, far too many shifts of power between the two. Darlene leads Jack to the basement, where he is zip-tied to a chair as Darlene forces him to talk at gunpoint. Jack is sticking to his story and insisting it was an accident; Sally was screaming and freaking out and in an attempt to keep her quiet, he accidentally broke her neck as he was using his hand to muffle her screams. Jack continues to anatagonize Darlene to the point she finally realizes he wants her to kill him, rather than deal with the shame and humiliation he will soon face. Although Darlene has fantasized for years about doing unimaginable violence to the person that took Sally away, she's not going to let Jack off the hook, and he's going to have to pay the piper in prison. Jack then calls upon his super human strength he's been hiding along with his horrendous secret, and snaps out of the four zip-ties like they're blades of grass in a basement meadow. The gun goes off, and Gretchen thinks she hears something as she's outside walking her dog in the middle of the night. Jack and Darlene are back upstairs, in another struggle, and end up in Sally's bedroom where Jack begins choking the life out of Darlene's body, leading to her inevitable demise.....
Heeeeeeeeeere's Gretchen! Gretchen bludgens Jack unconscious, and the two friends tie Jack up with impeccable ease, crafting sturdy knots they most surely learned to tie while serving in The Marines in their free time. Jack comes to while Darlene is fetching supplies from the linen closet, and manages to partially free himself and attack Gretchen. Power shift number 63, by my count. Darlene refuses to entertain power shift 64, and this time Jack has no place to go. He's going to tell the real story, along with where Sally's body is and in exchange, Darlene will put a bullet in his forehead, and everybody gets what they want. Darlene shows Jack her phone to prove she isn't recording his confession, and once he's satisfied, spills the beans about his rape and murder of Sally, all those years ago. If only there were some sort of alternative method of recording that could have been utilized, as this movie wouldn't try to create yet another brilliant ruse treating the audience like oblivious dipshits, right? RIGHT!? Jesus Christ........
A lot of times we're frustrated when a film ends, because it hasn't answered enough questions, or leaves an ending up for interpretation to the point you need a diploma from Harvard, just to decipher the intended meaning of what you've just watched. That's definitely not the case with "The Apology", a film that assumes its core audience are complete idiots, and is so insistent on making you swallow before you chew, that I question whether this movie was made for regular people like myself, or if its intended target was indeed Daffy Duck.
That's all folks!
Madness Meter: 3.7/10
NB
