Good morning, House of Madness demons:
You know that feeling you get when something just seems like a bad idea? Looking across the street and seeing a kid's dad attempting to do a trick move on a skateboard as the neighborhood gathers to watch doesn't only seem like a bad idea, but as he falls and pulverizes his spleen, you can't help but think "I told you so" to your inner self as he's scraped off of the asphalt. Ordering $20 worth of Taco Bell to kick off your cross country road trip in your Hyundai Elantra never seemed like a good idea, and now that you're $8 in and 50 miles from nowhere, the panic pains are real as you try and decide the best method of shitting your pants. When I heard they were jumpstarting a 50+ year old classic, I knew it was a bad idea, although I prayed it would be good in spite of knowing the odds were heavily against it, but here we are, demolished spleen and a pantsload of shit, left with nothing but a film that should have been shelved before it ever became a reality.
One day after school, friends Katherine (Olivia O'Neill) and Angela (Lidya Jewett) wander off into the woods where they become lost, and don't resurface for three days. What first is elation and relief at their discovery quickly morphs into dread and horror as the two girls seem to have returned home different people, almost as if they're not themselves at all. As it becomes clear that doctors are of no help, the next step is to involve the church, Bible, and anything else their parents can get their hands on, and try to deal with what is a seemingly demonic possession. Time is short, tension is high, and two young girl's lives hang on the cusp of Hell, with only one problem looming larger: who cares.
When you're fucking with one of the greatest horror movies of all-time, 1. You probably shouldn't. 2. When the last thing you served was prime rib cooked to perfection with all the fixins, don't serve me cold soup in a tennis shoe and tell me it's prime rib. 3. Fuck you. This movie is so bad, that the generic copycats that try so hard to be what "The Exorcist" was are better than a film actually associated with the legendary overlord that started them all. I don't know who green-lights these projects, but when dealing with the classics, please leave well enough alone unless you've got a real story to tell, and "The Exorcist: Believer" has less to say than a tongue-less mime in the middle of the desert. Don't fuck with the classics.
Madness Meter: 3.6/10
NB
1 comment
Well we did think it would suck, still sad to hear that it did. I’m with you, don’t fuck with the classics!