Good afternoon, House of Madness travelers:
The life of a horror blogger (or whatever you want to call me) isn't always as luxurious and extravagant as you may think. Sure, the bathing in blood and the feasting on raw flesh is divine, but there are times when my job is tough, and it's a real grind to get things accomplished. While you're all snug in your beds watching The Hallmark Channel or you're perusing through the eleven different baseball games that are currently going on at the same time, I'm busy tasting horror and checking recipes to ensure I can deliver my thoughts on them to your table to help you avoid making a horrible mistake. How many of you would have happily sat down to watch "The Black Demon" expecting a thrilling shark ride, only to realize that it was nothing more than Josh Lucas's way of announcing his irrelevance to Hollywood from here on out? Look, I'm not calling myself a hero, but if I can stop just one set of eyes from seeing that film, I feel vindicated in my quest for viewer satisfaction. This is a neverending quest, and while I certainly seek out great horror, I must also bear the responsibility of watching bad horror, to ensure it never meets the eyes of others, and I can't simply turn a film off if it's unwatchable, as I feel it's my duty to suffer for the good of others. You're welcome.
Soon to be husband and wife Sarah (Shannon Dalonzo) and Mike (Justin Gordon) are traveling along a desert road in order to visit her ailing father. After some cheesy dialog that would most assuredly make the cast of 90210 roll their eyes, their vehicle seems to hit something in the road, but after further inspection, there is no evidence of their car striking anything. They get back on the road and suddenly find themselves being chased by a man that looks like a homeless warlord wearing a set of those fake teeth you find in the quarter machines at the grocery store. As he somehow closes the gap on their Kia in his muscle car, the two pull off into a diner and leave their pursuer in their dust. As they enter the diner, more realistic dialog ensues as the waitress tells Mike he's easy to look at, even though in reality he looks like a roast beef in a denim shirt. The two lovers are soon back on the road, and find themselves running from Mr. Teeth once again.
As Sarah and Mike are seemingly living the same scenario with the same outcome over and over, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out their true plight, although the film wants you to believe it's preparing you for a twist Greg Louganis would be proud of. As the story slowly unravels itself, we soon realize the great Louganian twist is actually more of a cannonball into a sewer pipe, and the wool they've attempted to pull over our eyes was actually transparent polyester. If I were forced at gunpoint to name one redeeming quality about this film, I'd most likely be wrestling with a madman for his gun, and fighting for my life. Ugh, the life of a blogger (or whatever you want to call me). You're welcome.
Madness Meter: 2.4/10
NB
