Good morning, House of Madness residents:
Do you like Christmas? Do you love it? Well, not everyone shares your joy for the holidays, so keep that in mind when you're slinging your cheer around town. As always, I hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading!
The Gift
Charlie Brunson hated Christmas, in fact, hate seemed much too tame of a word for a holiday he loathed with every ounce of his being. Having no family, friends, or even simple acquaintances didn’t help matters, but they weren’t the real reason Charlie hated this time of year, he hated Christmas simply because he thought the whole charade of gift giving and being nice was a load of bullshit he could do without. Why was it OK to be an asshole eleven months of the year, but not this one? Put on a bullshit sweater, sing bullshit songs about a bullshit holiday, and top it all off with bullshit gifts to bullshit recipients. It was all too much, and every year Charlie couldn’t wait until it was all over.
The one thing Charlie did enjoy about Christmas was the fact that he didn’t have to participate, and in the years past when someone at work would leave a Christmas card on his desk, he’d simply throw it in the trash for everyone to see, until they eventually got the hint, and gave up trying. As Charlie got to his desk and started his computer, he looked at the calendar and saw that it was Christmas Eve, and he shuddered at the thought of all these morons wishing each other Merry Christmases and giving out hugs, kisses, and Starbucks gift cards. That was when he looked down and saw a small box with “To: Charlie” simply written on the top, and where it said “From:”, there was nothing. “I don’t know which one of you left this for me, but I don’t accept gifts!” Charlie shouted to anyone that may be listening, and when he received no reply, he grabbed the box and motioned it towards the nearest receptacle, only he stopped himself mid-throw, yet would later wish he’d binned the gift as quickly as he’d originally planned.....or would he?
As the afternoon wore on, curiosity began to overcome Charlie to the point that he couldn’t focus on the work in front of him, and his gaze kept returning to the mystery box on his desk. Finally, Charlie let out a sigh and said to himself “Can’t hurt to look at it before I throw it away”, and began to tear open the lid of the box with the carefulness of a grizzly bear. Once the box was opened, all Charlie saw was a note, and below that note was some kind of seed. “What the fuck is this crap?” he said into the office air, and began to open the note. “Plant me. Feed me. Release me.” was all the note said, and it took everything Charlie had inside of him not to simply crumple it up and throw the stupid seed across the office. As much as he wanted to do these things, Charlie felt a weird compulsion to do just as the note said, and quickly stashed the seed wrapped in the note into his briefcase, and waited anxiously for quitting time to arrive.
When Charlie arrived home, he hummed and hawed as to whether he was being stupid, yet he couldn’t take his mind away from the seed sitting on his kitchen counter. He grabbed a plastic pot, and as he headed outside to gather some dirt, the seed began to tremble in his hand, and he looked into his palm with amazement as the seed seemed to gravitate towards the snow. “You like the cold?” he asked, and then felt foolish for speaking to a seed, yet he still awaited a response. The seed suddenly sprung from his hand and landed in the snow, rapidly burrowing its way beneath the surface. “HOLY HELL!” Charlie yelled, and the only answer back was the barking of the neighbour’s dog Franco, whom Charlie liked about as much as he did Christmas. Charlie scoured the snow in search of the seed for a few minutes, but gave up a short time later as his fingers began to turn blue from the cold. “Ahh, fuck it” he said, and headed upstairs to bed in hopes of sleeping through another bullshit Christmas morning.
When Charlie awoke, he was disappointed to see that it was only 8:30 a.m., and he headed downstairs to make his morning tea. As he was filling the kettle with water, Charlie looked out the kitchen window and saw a snowman in his backyard with a note attached to its brim hat. He cautiously walked outside in his slippers, and took a closer look at the new addition to his backyard. It was the same very note that had been in the box: “Plant me. Feed me. Release me.”, and Charlie’s heart felt like it was in his throat. Just as Charlie was turning to head back inside, Franco heard his footsteps and began to bark incessantly, as the annoying mutt always seemed to. Instead of telling Franco to shut up as was his usual routine, Charlie couldn’t stop two words from entering his mind, and he called Franco over so he could undo his leash. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. What happened next was nothing but a blur, and Charlie thought he was surely losing his mind. As Franco hopped the fence and began running around Charlie’s backyard with his newfound leash-less freedom and a new yard to piss in, he made his way over to the snowman, and began circling it, sniffing for the perfect place to mark his territory. In less than an instant, Franco was gone, swallowed whole by the snow anomaly that had somehow grown from a seed in a tiny, unknown box. “HOLY HELL!” Charlie screamed again, only this time there was no bark to return his call.
Charlie planted himself in his favourite chair in front of the TV, and watched anything he could find that would keep his mind off of the horrors he had witnessed earlier. Just as he was about to get up and go for a pizza (no way he was going in the kitchen and looking outside), there was a knock at his door. As he made his way to the door, he thought to himself “Better not be any of those fuckin Christmas carolers”, and as he was preparing to send them on their way with some vulgarities and a couple of hand gestures, he was surprised to see it was just his asshole neighbour Jeff. “Sorry to bother you, Charlie, but have you seen Franco? He must have gotten off of his leash and ran off somewhere.” Even if Charlie didn’t despise this dickheaded moron whose dog never shut up, he wouldn’t have helped him, and as he was preparing to slam the door in his face, he heard those words again. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. “I haven’t seen him Jeff, but why don’t you come inside and have a cup of tea?” “Thanks, Charlie, but I really need to keep looki……” “Nonsense! My backyard has a much better view of the valley below, maybe we can get a good look at him from there!” “O-O-OK, Charlie, thanks!”, and the two men headed through the living room towards the backyard. As they entered the yard, Jeff immediately saw the paw prints and was overcome with excitement, “Look, he’s been here!”, but before he could make his way towards the back fence, his torso was ripped from his waist in one bite, and the snowman devoured his bottom half the next instant. The snowman that had started off as a tiny seedling now stood over eight feet tall, and was stained pink with blood from the chest down.
As Charlie lay in bed unable to sleep, he just kept envisioning the massacres he had witnessed over and over again, yet instead of being overcome with guilt or remorse, Charlie found himself overflowing with feelings of satisfaction and pride. These feelings finally carried him off to sleep, and he had the best sleep he’d had in ages. The next morning Charlie went into his fridge in hopes of finding something he could feed his new friend until another opportunity presented itself, yet he suddenly became overwhelmed with two new words, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for them. Release me. Release me. Release me. Release me.
As Charlie walked over to his back gate and released the hinge, he took one last look at his new snow friend, and then he looked over the valley at the city beyond, and he couldn’t stop smiling as he screamed “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” over and over.
NB
