Good evening, House of Madness phantoms:
I stated in an earlier post that I don't usually do Christmas horror, as it never really manages to hit the mark for me. That being said, I'm all for the Christmas spirit, and if you can make a great horror movie and tie it in with some festive gore, then pour me some egg nog, and fetch my slippers made from genuine Canadian flesh, hand crafted by the finest cobbler in Saskatchewan (Use code 'The Mad Chatter' to receive 6% off your first order). Let's be clear, I said IF you can accomplish such a feat, I would be inclined enough to include said masterpiece with the rest of my Xmas viewing collection, which I reserve to watch yearly during the holidays until the time has come to put it away with the tree and decorations. Once I laid eyes on the cover photo of "The Killing Tree", I immediately knew this movie wasn't going to make the cut, but this year I've decided to expand my holiday horizons, and give my VHS copy of "Christmas Vacation" time to recover from last year's overuse.
Before you say, "Hey idiot, the movie is about a former serial killer that gets reincarnated as a Christmas tree, because his wife was too stupid to read the incantation properly, so it's obviously supposed to be campy!", I'd agree with you wholeheartedly. Great, now that we've established the fact that I understand the premise of a satirical horror film, let me just say that this does not automatically give it a free pass into the 'Cinematic Museum of Accepted Absurdities' (CMAA in Hollywood jargon), and still must deliver some sort of quality during the silliness. Unfortunately, "The Killing Tree" is light on the quality, and heavy on the silly.
In case you've already forgotten the plot, "The Killing Tree" starts off with Morrigan (Judy Tcherniak), a lonely widow hellbent on returning her deceased husband Clay (Marcus Massey) back to life, by reading a spell while his ashes (fresh from the garden center at Walmart by the looks) are encased in a homemade pentagon. Unfortunately for Clay, Morrigan misspeaks and he finds himself the proud new owner of a shiny new Christmas tree as a body. I hate when that happens. In his initial rage of discovering his new conundrum, he lashes out at his wife, accidentally killing her. Oops. Oh well, there are other more important matters at hand, like finding Faith (Sarah Alexandra Marks), and getting revenge for what she has done to him and Morrigan. (more on this later)
As we're introduced to Faith, her and bestie Louisa (Sarah T. Cohen) are reminiscing about the horrible fate Faith's parents met not so long ago, when they were victims to Clay's evil plot of killing 12 families at Christmas. We're shown glimpses of Clay and Morrigan's past, and the brutal slaying bestowed upon Faith's parents. Upon seeing her mother's lifeless corpse, Faith runs away in a terrified sprint, and we're left wondering how she must surely become the villain instead of the victim. (more on this later again)
Clay decides the time is now, and heads out to find Faith and enact his revenge. Now, where exactly does she live? I'll admit watching a tree read a road map had me laughing, but not nearly as much as the CGI which they most certainly borrowed from the set of a Charlie Chaplin film. Ok, ok, the bad CGI is part of the shtick, I get it. Anyways, a drunk, wandering unknown partier comes across Clay's path, and after challenging him to a fight, quickly has his innards introduced to his outards. Didn't even get a chance to ask him directions first, oh well. No matter, a car is headed down a driveway, and with Clay's super-treeman hearing, overhears the woman in the passenger seat mention Faith's name. This must be the place! Let's just dispose of these two geezers, and settle the score with Faith for what she's done. (more on this later again still)
Soon, Faith's friends are picked off one by one by the tinsel wielding evergreen maniac, and it's time for Clay to deliver Faith her comeuppance for the suffering she's caused. Now that Clay has her confined, and is relishing the moment, we get to find out what Faith did to piss off this coniferous killer, right? Nah, minor detail apparently. I don't want to spoil the ending, but if you're still on board after reading all of this, perhaps the conclusion will satisfy your botanical buds, but it left mine in a stocking full of fake looking coal. Bah humbug.
"The Killing Tree" runs at just over an hour, but half of that time is spent building characters nobody cares about, and hinting at a revenge story that is never fully explained. It's ok, I finally got to see a tree drive a car, so I can scratch that off my 'knotty' list.
Madness Meter: 3.4/10
NB
