Good afternoon, House of Madness monsters:
I was quite surprised last night as I finished watching "The Lair", not because I enjoyed it, but because it's unfathomable to me that this was directed by the same man (Neil Marshall) that gave us "The Descent" (2005), and "Dog Soldiers" (2002). I have a lot of respect for Mr. Marshall because of said films, but if everyone had to automatically praise someone's future because of their great efforts of the past, we'd still be drinking New Coke.
"The Lair" starts out with Captain Sinclair (Charlotte Kirk) and her WSO Johnson (Alex Morgan) being shot down in their fighter jet over Afghanistan, and forced to eject. Once reaching solid ground, they are quickly engaged by the men that took down their plane, and Johnson is shot and killed. Sinclair fights back with her pistol, and an automatic rifle she has claimed from the soldier she is currently using as a human shield. She quickly makes her way to a cargo crate, but it's locked. That's ok, one of the enemies has an RPG, and she rolls out of the way as the wayward rocket screams past her head, and destroys the locks and chains that were sealing her escape. It's still a tight fit, but luckily for Sinclair the soldiers have aim that would send a storm trooper into a bout of unstoppable laughter.
Once inside, Sinclair descends a ladder into a bunker deep below the surface, where there seem to be capsules containing Christ knows what, but it can't be good. Her pursuers make their way down, and soon she is found in their little game of hide and seek for idiots, and in the crossfire of poorly aimed bullets one of the capsules is hit and its contents spill onto the bunker floor. Time to go. Sinclair makes her way back up the ladder, and as she is about to escape, her ankle is grabbed by one of the Afghans, but is rapidly freed as his face is savagely torn off by a giant clawed hand. Sinclair makes her way back to the entrance, and seals the ferocious unknown anomoly as best she can while she gets the fuck out of there.
Sinclair is rescued by a humvee navigated by allied soldiers, and is brought back to their base. Although Sinclair makes every effort to explain what she's witnessed, she has a difficult time finding believers, especially their ranking official Finch (Jamie Bamber) who also happens to look like Snake Plissken re-encarnated as Rob Lowe's hair. Night falls, and the need for convincing is quickly squashed as the outpost is attacked by dozens of the creatures that are surely long lost cousins of Venom and Mer-Man if I were to render a guess. After killing their share, suffering some injuries and casualties of their own, the group takes shelter in an empty ammo container, and rides things out until morning. As they regain their wits, they try to figure out what the fuck those things were that ruined their blissful evening. Turns out, Finch has been withholding some info, but fuck it, time to spill the beans; the creatures are half human, half alien created by the Russians in the 1980's as an excuse to invade Afghanistan and achieve global notoriety, while reaping the rewards. Sounds like a plan devised by Dr. Claw, and thwarted by Penny and Brain while Inspector Gadget took all the credit. Still, something needs to be done, or they're all going to be French kissed into submission by a creature with a stronger tongue than a frog on steroids.
Simply getting in a vehicle and bailing is impossible; they don't have enough gas, not to mention driving through enemy territory loaded with armed assassins with deplorable aim is bad for your health. They're in this fight, like it or not. Sinclair has really taken to Hook (Jonathan Howard), and they devise a plan to plant some C4 in the creature's lair, who only seem interested in accosting them at night. This is gonna be easy. As the charges are set, everything is going to plan until an alien arm reaches up to the surface of the bunker and abducts Hook. Minor inconvenience as they can use the truck winch to lower them down, rescue Hook, set off the explosives, and call for an extraction. As they reach the bottom of the bunker, they find out the military is doing a mortar strike on the area in 20 minutes, so time is of the essence. Hook is found, only to realize he was being used as bait to lure the rest of the soldiers in, and they get a glimpse of a gigantic holding tank imprisoning one of the creatures so massive, not even Jake Paul could convince it into taking a dive. As they're being chased, sacrifices are made by Jones (Leon Ockenden) and Lafayette (Kibong Tanji), which enables the remaining members of the unit to zipline up the shaft, steal an SUV, outrun the mortar explosion, and drive off into the sunset. I hope Afghanistan has a Motel 6, a White Castle, and maybe some happy ending performing masseuses, our heroes deserve it!
If I wasn't clear, this movie is corny, campy, and downright silly, but after sleeping on it, I must admit it's got a bit of its own goofy charm. If you enjoy questionable acting, inconsistent CGI, awkward scripts, and terrible eye patches, "The Lair" might just be for you.
Madness Meter: 4.1/10
NB
