Good afternoon, House of Madness exorcists:
In the land of reboots, sequels, and spin-offs, we are often promised bags full of treasures, only to get to the theatre and be presented with a bag chock full o' dicks. Every once in a while a movie like "It" or "Terminator 2" comes along and blasts your fuckin socks right off your feet, but more often than not, the dynamite comes from ACME, and we're Wile E. Coyote while Hollywood roadrunners away with our hard earned money. When it comes to "The Conjuring" universe, I've found that instead of terrified looks of excitement, the films have left me with mortified looks of being duped once again. I thought "The Conjuring" was brilliant, and it stayed with me for hours, if not days afterwards relishing the frights it delivered. While they're certainly not my favourite, I did enjoy the sequels, although neither left an impression that lasted longer than my walk to the washroom after too much Dr. Pepper. I appreciate a good sequel, and I never try to get my hopes overblown if I enjoyed the source material in the original. Spin-offs on the other hand, often try to capitalize on a franchise's good fortunes, and simply don't bring the goods that make our inner fear buttons cower in the corner, begging not to be pressed.
Once "The Conjuring" established itself as a quality scarefest, the lights went on in many-a-minds thinking of how many ways they could capitalize on its success. The "Annabelle" films were born, as well as "The Curse of La Llorona" and "The Nun". While these films weren't extremely well received, "Annabelle" fared the best, spawning multiple sequels, none of which were anything more than continuous cash grabs in my opinion. However, the spin-off films have one main thing in common with each other, and that one thing is cheap jump scares. I certainly enjoy a well timed unexpected fright, but when the basis of your entire film is jumping from the darkness yelling metaphorical "BOOS!", then you're not scaring anyone, you're simply startling them into submission. This was heavily evident in "The Nun", where at absolutely no time did I feel tension or discomfort, I simply guessed when a jump scare was coming, and placed bets with myself to keep my brain engaged. I ended up owing myself a case of beer, which I happily drank later that night. Hey, I earned it.
Now we're getting a sequel to a movie so bland and ordinary, that it feels like there's no direction this latest installment can go but up. Unfortunately, a balloon filled with promises is marketed, but we can't see the sky above is obstructed by a roof of rusty nails, frothing to pop our collective eagerness for something that delivers the horror juice, instead of the cheap as chips jumps we've been complacently spoon fed over and over. For those of you less cynical than me (Imagine!), you can jump on over to read about the plot for "The Nun 2" on Movieweb, but don't exert all your energy, something tells me you're going to need your jumping prowess for later.
NB
