Good morning, House of Madness ghouls:
If you've ever seen the 2008 film "The Ruins", you were most likely left with a feeling of disappointment. Not the kind of disappointment you endure while swinging four fences over your head when asking out your long time secret crush, but more the kind of disappointment you feel when you're expecting Taco Tuesday, and come home to Microwave Monday. We're not in the business of disappointment when it comes to this, so instead of feeding you mushy vegetables (are those even real carrots!?), we will take that slop away and give you the delicious entree your makeshift mush was inspired by. Now that's all cleared up, onto the review of the Scott Smith book "The Ruins" (2006).
Four American friends - Eric, his girlfriend Stacy, her best friend Amy, and Amy's boyfriend Jeff are on a relaxing holiday in Mexico where they befriend a German tourist named Mathias, and three Greek friends that go by the fictitious names of Pablo, Juan, and Don Quixote; none of which speak a lick of English. Mathias tells Jeff a story of how his brother Henrich went missing after accompanying a girl he had met to some ruins. Jeff quickly volunteers his group to help Mathias search for his brother, against the mild resistance of one of the girls, and Eric's massive hangover. Pablo decides to tag along even though Juan and Don Quixote aren't currently at the hotel, so he leaves them a note, and draws them a map copied from Mathias.
The group of six hitch a ride in a pickup truck, and are quickly warned that the island they seek is "not good" , and their little adventure is highly inadvisable. Pffffffft! Who listens to complete strangers in foreign countries anyways? As they reach the end of the line with their jungle Uber, they head down a trail searching for the entrance, but navigation is difficult because of the overgrown foliage, and the seemingly neverending vines. They stumble across a Mayan village, but any hopes of buying refreshments or finding some air conditioning are quickly thwarted as the village is very simple, with no electricity, and very little resources. Not only that, but nobody is paying any attention to them, won't give directions to the dig site, and the locals are just plain weird. No problem, our friends know they're close, and they'll find it on their own.
The group finally discovers a hidden trail, and immediately know that this must be the way. As they traverse the trail, they run into a group of armed Mayans that almost seem to be guarding a hill with a tent on top, and the entire area is consumed with dirt and vines. Jeff tries speaking to the Mayans in the little Spanish he can muster, but is simply ignored. Well, they seem nice. Once Amy steps over the invisible threshhold the Mayans have secretly created, the entire group is forced at gunpoint to head up the hill, and it's made very clear that the option of returning the way they came, or any other direction isn't going to happen. The tent is abandoned, and it looks to have been that way for some time, as the backpack with supplies and water inside seems to be a forgotten relic.
As the clear leader of the group, Jeff quickly starts thinking of ways they can escape or find help. As everyone is settling in, they hear what sounds like a cell phone ringing coming from the bottom of what seems to be a mine shaft equipped with a rope and pulley. They all discuss their options, and it is agreed upon that Pablo will descend into the unknown trench to try and fetch the cell phone, lantern in tow. As he is about 3/4 of the way down, the rope begins to give and Pablo is dropped onto the unknown terrain below. Pablo's immediate screams of pain and anguish make it clear that he is in serious distress, and the rest of the group tries to devise a plan. The group rapidly realizes the rope was coiled in vines, and upon further inspection the vines seem to contain an acidic substance which also burns to the touch. Fuck.
After the vines are removed, a makeshift rope extension is made from the tent canvas and Eric repels down with a homemade stretcher to hoist Pablo back up. The rope falls short unfortunately, and Eric decides to jump, cutting his leg badly on Pablo's broken lantern, but is otherwise unscathed. Not so fortunate for Pablo though, his back seems to be broken, and he's in a world of trouble if he doesn't get medical attention soon.
Well shit, what else could go wrong? This is the worst day ever! Well, Jeff being the realist he is, starts planning food and water rationing, lest they have to drink their own piss to which Stacy quickly puts the kibosh on. They'll be outta here in no time, even though the Mayans have the entire island surrounded, and load their guns and bows whenever anyone gets close to the perimeter, right? Could be months according to Jeff if Pablo's buddies Juan and Don Quixote don't come searching for them, and soon.
Time passes, morale declines, and Pablo is starting to smell. Not only that, but Eric awakes in the tent only to realize one of the vines has entered his leg wound, and is trying to turn his thigh into a Holiday Inn Express. Pablo's non-stop screaming and squirming reveal that the vines have gotten to him too; so much so that his legs from the knees down are completely devoid of flesh and muscle. It is discussed and voted on that Pablo's legs need to go if he is to have any chance of survival, and Jeff is up to the task with Mathias's help. Don't worry Pablo, they'll grow back.
After another trip down below to try and retrieve the cell phone, it is discovered that there is no cell phone, and the vines can mimick sounds, voices, and who knows what else at this point. Hope seems a thousand miles away, Eric is losing his mind with the sense of knowing the vine is consuming his body because they didn't get it all out of his leg in his panicked estimation, Amy has fallen to the vines, as has Pablo (ending his misery) and Jeff just lost a game of Russian Roulette to the Mayans who were playing with a full barrel.
Mathias and Stacy go looking for dead Jeff (unbeknownst to them), and Eric is left alone in the tent with nothing but sour thoughts, and a knife capable of ending this vine problem once and for all. Mathias and Stacy are taunted and ridiculed by the vines that Eric is dead, so they head back to camp without finding Jeff. Upon arrival, Mathias discovers Eric treating his body like it was a training dummy for Michael Myers, but in Eric's final moments of delirium, he manages to stab Mathias right in the heart. Now it's just Stacy. Stacy and the relentless Mayans. Maybe if Stacy can end her own suffering, she could also use her own sacrifice to warn Juan and Don Quixote if they ever make their way. As the vines pull her dead body into the unassuming nothingness, the Greeks will never know her warning efforts, as they climb the hill in search of their friends, with the Mayans watching, always watching........
I don't know about you, but from now on, unless it has wheels, a tv and can be towed, I'm not in any rush to do any more camping.
Madness Meter: 7.7/10
NB
