Good afternoon, House of Madness parents:
Kids are scary. Not just the supernatural kind of scary, but just scary in general. Ever have your kid walk up to you holding a drawing in their outstretched hand, whisper "poop" in your ear while giggling in that evil tone only children can muster, and now you're frantically trying to decipher whether it's simply a picture of 'poop', or indeed a treasure map for a trove of turds? No? Well let me tell you, it's fucking paralyzing. That smell coming from under the couch? Sounds like a Mom job to me, I despise scavenger hunts. If you have no first hand experience with children, what about that kid in "The Omen"? Jesus, I'm not convinced they didn't actually hire that little terror from the depths of Hell, while his fiery father took advantage of his newfound freedom to enjoy life down below, savouring the absence of his child's menacing motives, and getting back to dealing with tolerable adversaries like angels and God. Sure, kids are a blessing and there's nothing more rewarding than being a parent, but nothing, and I mean nothing can fuck with your psyche like a child with a mischievous mind and an appetite for destruction. Welcome to the jungle, motherfuckers.
"There's Something Wrong With the Children" is a tale we've all experienced as families; what better way to deal with the little monsters you've created than to invite your best friends with their little terrors in tow on a nice, relaxing vacation? Sometimes the best way to deal with your fears isn't to face them; fuck no, you take your fears and someone else's fears and let them entertain and bludgeon each other while the grown-ups drink wine, and remember the good old days before bringing little demons along their walks of life. I love my kids, I really do, but anyone reading this opposing the fact that at some point during their parenting career they haven't heard, felt, seen, or experienced some form of paralyzing despair at the hands of their naturally evil spawn, is an absolute liar living in a mind prison of denial. I got side-tracked with all this built up fear escaping my body as I silently type, waiting for the next.......sorry, back to the film. Not only have two couples decided to vacation together with all of their children, but something supernatural seems to be taking place after the little ones return from disappearing into the woods overnight. Oh great, so now not only do the kids have their usual hair pulling abilities intact, but they seem to have ingested otherwordly characteristics that act like celestial steroids? Oh hhhhhhhhheeeeeeeelllllllllll no.
When "There's Something Wrong With the Children" drops in theatres on January 17th, I may just invite my kids to tag along in an effort of teaching valuable life lessons through technology. Afterall, nothing can deliver a mind numbing epiphany quite like a well made documentary can. I love my kids, I promise. Now check out this trailer and tell me I'm wrong.
NB
