Good afternoon, House of Madness creatures:
Gluten: why all the hate? I understand the loathing and hatred from people that are intolerant or allergic, but why does everybody else jump on board the invisible platform of pessimism? It's delicious. Tubi: why all the hate? Yes there are a lot of commercials, but at the end of the day it's FREE, has arguably better content than Netflix, and you'll find a lot of hidden gems buried inside that you won't find anywhere else. Did I mention it's free? Kevin Sorbo: why all the hate? Actually, now that I've seen the data and evidence, Mr. Sorbo is a gigantic piece of shit, so your hatred is justified. Apologies. "Underwater": why all the hate? I really don't understand the negativity that surrounded this movie when it was first released, and the reviews were terrible enough that I never bothered with it. Big mistake on my part. Who cares what bandwagon everyone is jumping on when the wagon is being driven by popular opinion, and the band is playing mainstream nonsense that gets lapped up simply because it's catchy. I honestly think this movie was pre-judged on who its main character is played by, and not on the actual film itself.
"Underwater" doesn't waste any time with the action either: Norah Price (Kristen Stewart) is part of a crew of oceanic researchers working for a drilling company at the bottom of the Marianna Trench, when they are suddenly hit with a massive earthquake that obliterates a huge portion of their underwater facilities. Norah barely makes it to safety with colleague Rodrigo (Mamoudou Athie), as they watch in horror while colleagues and friends are sealed behind airlocks to be devoured by the angry sea. As the two make their way towards the escape pods, they meet up with Abel (T.J. Miller), Smith (John Gallagher Jr.), Emily (Jessica Henwick), and the Captain of the vessel Lucien (Vincent Cassel). All the escape pods have been dispatched, and now the six crew members must find a solution to their dilemma before their temporary sanctuary implodes, and introduces them to a subaqueous graveyard.
Lucien comes up with a plan: they will descend to the very bottom of Marianna's Trench, and walk along the ocean floor to the drilling facility containing more escape pods, with almost zero visibility, navigational equipment, or oxygen. It's almost certainly suicide, but the alternative has a 100% chance of death, so Lucien's plan is put into action. As they slowly make their way down, strange noises seem to be surrounding them, but at almost seven miles below the surface, the unknown dominates the atmosphere, and everything else seems to exist without purpose. As they stumble across one of the failed escape pods, a body can be seen floating and caught in the debris. Upon further inspection, Smith sees strange movement on the deceased researcher's back, and something hurls itself at him while he instinctively shoots it with defensive flair. At the next checkpoint, the lifeform they've captured is analyzed, and seems to be a species never before seen by humankind. It is relatively small though, and Abel's question of "Is that a baby?" opens our minds into what is surely coming.
With the extensive damage to all the facilities scattered across the ocean floor, the group is forced to traverse some wet and rough terrain, all while wearing bulking suits which make maneuvering around very challenging. As they swim through a small tunnel, Abel is suddenly grabbed from below, and meets his demise in grotesque fashion while everyone else watches in disbelief. What started out as strange sounds that couldn't be accounted for, have transformed into real-life terror as the remaining members realize they're not just hearing things, they're being stalked by something their imaginations couldn't possibly fathom, and it's hungry for blood. As they continue to descend and traverse their way to what can surely only be doom, more death awaits, and working alone is not only against company policy, it's also a recipe passed on from monstrous generation to generation. Moral of the story: unless you want your flesh to be torn from your body limb by limb, teamwork makes the sea work.
With all the hate "Underwater" received, it reminds me of 2017's "Life" in the way it was quickly written off as a silly 'creature-feature', when in fact it wasn't silly at all, and was a fun ride down into the abyss. Long live creature-features!.............And gluten!
Madness Meter: 6.8/10
NB
