Good afternoon, House of Madness creeps:
How many times have you watched a movie, missed an important plot point, and wished you had never been born? Ok, maybe that's exaggerating a tad (Fuck you, Tenet), but it's definitely frustrating. No worries of that happening here though, as "Willy's Wonderland" is the most mindless fun you can have without a lobotomy.
A drifter we know only as 'The Janitor' (Nicolas Cage), runs into a little car trouble as he heads into an unfamiliar remote town. No problem, a tow truck swiftly comes to his aid, but there is a slight issue, CASH ONLY. Judging by The Janitor's car, money definitely isn't an everyday worry for him, but who the fuck carries cash these days!? An offer is then presented; if The Janitor thoroughly cleans a former family restaurant called 'Willy's Wonderland', the repairs to his car will be done, and all debts will be square. Easy peasy.
Upon arrival at the somewhat dilapidated former eatery, it seems this family restaurant is a little dated, and Jeffrey Dahmer might have enjoyed the menu. Oh well, he's here to clean, not redecorate. The mechanical animals that once danced, sang, and entertained the children are scattered throughout, but the life that once surged through their circuits seems a distant memory in the puppet past.
The job is large, but it's a task The Janitor is handling easily enough. Other than 'dishpan hands', the biggest obstacle seems to be the anticipated stench lurking under the toilet lids. Before The Janitor can say "ShamWow" however, he is suddenly bombarded by one of the mechanical misfits, and we get to see our rubber gloved protagonist fight to the death in a manner that would certainly make Jackie Chan proud. One by one, the evil computerized Muppets fall, only to wish our Janitor had been an actual cleaner, and not the sort that John Wick would reluctantly accept a contract on.
Seems this little human sacrifice scam has been happening for quite some time, in order to satisfy a sinister force with an undisclosed appetite for human flesh, and in exchange the town gets to live another day. Although The Janitor was never expected to do anything besides be prey for the Care Bears from Hell, he'll be a stuffed monkey's uncle if this is ever going to happen to anyone else again. Let's ride.
Madness Meter: 6.8/10
NB
