Good morning, House of Madness marsupials:
If you've ever been to an amusement park, you'll understand what it's like to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait some more until you finally get to the front of the line to brave the mammoth roller coaster you can see from miles around. The bigger the attraction, the longer the wait, especially if it's the newest ride in the park. Hopefully by the time the day ends, your memory banks are filled with the thrills of being hundreds of feet above the ground below, overpriced mediocre food that somehow tasted delicious, and feet that could carry you another hundred miles along your quest of hitting every ride in the venue. Unfortunately, "Carnifex" had the longest lineup in the nation with no water or salvation in sight, and left my memory banks quickly wanting to expel the latest information acquired, rather than process and reflect upon it.
Aspiring documentarian Bailey (Alexandra Park) has teamed up with conservationists Ben (Harry Greenwood) and Grace (Sisi Stringer) to record the wildlife in the outback after wildfires displaced many of them from their homes. There are several endangered species lurking about if they can find them, and if there's even a chance of seeing one, it would most likely give them scientific nipple erections which can last up to 14 hours unless treated with authentic Australian beer. I may have made up that last part, but during a film such as this, sometimes you have to create your own fun and entertainment, because what's happening on screen just isn't very interesting. As the trio pushes on, the audience can see there is a large predator lurking about with an insatiable appetite for not just flesh, but total territorial dominance. I haven't seen someone or something try so hard to be the Alpha since the guy down the street brought a samurai sword to a neighbourhood watch meeting dressed in his finest Wal-Mart kimono. What a stud. As the three bores tread deeper and deeper into the woods, they inch closer and closer to the deadly hunter with every step, and home is a long ways away.
"Carnifex's" problems are plentiful; from a story that really isn't all that exciting to begin with, to characters delivering dialog with the gusto of a sleeping kangaroo. Those problems aside, the film's biggest failure is its ability to not only remain relevant, but BE relevant in the first place; at 90 minutes in length, it takes almost a full hour for anything to happen, which doesn't resonate well when you've got the combined character qualities comparable to an episode of "The Shopping Channel". By the time the action does actually start, I was already mentally checked out (and halfway through my crossword puzzle), so any real chance at tension was out the window a long time ago.
When it comes to creature features, "Carnifex" simply waits too long to put its plan into action, and execute its big monster reveal while the audience sits and waits for something........anything to happen. Perhaps this screenplay needed more time and didn't incubate long enough in the proverbial pouch to surpass the infancy stage, and maybe we would have all been better off if the dingo got this baby.........
Madness Meter: 3.9/10
NB
