Good afternoon, House of Madness cyborgs:
Ever have one of those nights where all you want to do is get absolutely blackout drunk, but little annoyances seem to pop up every time you're about one shot away from Plasteredville, and you lose your buzz? You know what I'm talking about; your friend that's the size of Peter Dinklage, but once the suds hit his palate, he suddenly morphs into Dwayne Johnson, and you need to act quick before his head becomes a permanent fixture in his own ass. Or the friend that says they're going to party all night, and after drinking four beers in eleven minutes decides that the table is actually a decent pillow, while you keep making excuses to the bartender that he's just 'resting his eyes' after a long day at work. And then there's the friend that you just refer to as 'the wild card'. Will he drink to his limit and have a great time? Possibly. Will he mix in some tequila after a dozen beers, leaving you to be on puke patrol? Another strong possibility. Will he say something so offensive, that even you won't step in to save him if he enrages the entire bar, and perhaps get a lick or two in of your own? Let's fucking hope not. I think most of us can relate to some, if not all of these scenarios at some point in our lives, but how about trying to get your drunken party fix, while being hunted by a robotic Saint Nick with an axe sharp enough to penetrate The Pentagon? All of the sudden, your potentially tough, pukey, or unpredictable baggage doesn't seem too heavy in comparison, does it?
"Christmas Bloody Christmas" begins with record store owner and connoisseur Tori (Riley Dandy) closing up shop for the last time before Xmas; it's Christmas Eve, and she's got a Tinder date. Well, she thought she had a date until her long time friend-zoned pal Robbie (Sam Delich) lets her know that her latest prospect has four kids (with one on the way!), and shows her a clip of this loser playing guitar and whisper singing like he's in Boyz 2 Men, auditioning for 'American Idol'. Well he's OUT, Tori didn't flinch at the kids thing as she really just needs someone to 'flick her bean' as Robbie says, but the whisper singing is too much. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH! Tori and Robbie decide to just sip a little whiskey, stop by the toy store where Tori's friend Lahna (Dora Madison), has closed shop and is planning on turning aisle 6 into a bordello of bangage with her boyfriend Jay (Jonah Ray). Unbeknownst to them, the store's mechanical Santa hates sex more than Jason Voorhees, and isnt afraid to show it. After a quick stop by Kinktown, Tori and Robbie head over to the local bar they're regulars at, and let the booze flow like there's no tomorrow (maybe there won't be). As they're getting ready to leave, Sheriff Monroe (Jeff Daniel Phillips) pops by for a Christmas toast, and then the couple that isn't a couple are on their way to Tori's for a nightcap. As the two head for Robbie's car, they pass the toy store once again where Jay has already been split in two (after doing his best to do the same to Lahna, minus the axe), and the strange sounds they hear coming from inside are Lahna's skull repeatedly bouncing off the counter, and not in the filthy way they're imagining it is.
The two hammered friends arrive at Tori's, where they instantly feel the connection that's always been there but never encroached upon, and Robbie uses his face to bring Tori to Pleasuretown, not because he's a generous guy, but because earlier in the evening Tori said guys never do it right, and laughed as he said he had the tongue talent she requires. Who's laughing now, Tori!? Well, probably still Tori as she got what she wanted, and Robbie is left to his own devices while she heads downstairs to make more drinks. As Tori is heading back upstairs, she looks out the window at her neighbour's house, and sees what she thinks is a large figure dressed as Santa murder the little boy next door. Robbie heads down to see what she's freaking about, and they both witness the evil bringer of gifts covered in blood, and brandishing an axe as he's looking directly at them. Tori runs to wake her sister Liddy (Kansas Bowling) and her boyfriend Larry (Josh Ethier) so they can all get out of the house, but this proves to be futile as this Santa Claus has had enough giving, and it's time he thought of himself for a change. Tori's sister and boyfriend are quickly disposed of, and it's up to her and Robbie to get the fuck out of there and get help, while somehow keeping Crazy Kris Kringle at bay. The two newfound lovers never even make it out of the driveway, as Robbie's face is introduced to the front bumper with an axe, and Tori is a sitting duck for Santa to feast on.......
As we accept Tori's impending fate, Officer Davies (Elliott Gilbert) arrives, and blasts Santa to smithereens. Hurray! All is saved! As Davies tries to talk Tori down, we see that Santa isn't dead at all, and he's super pissed! In Santa School, the first thing they teach you is whenever you're mad, always take deep breaths and count to ten, and if that doesn't work, use your axe to decapitate whatever problems remain. Davies runs out of shotgun shells right before he runs out of life, and again Tori is left on her own. This time however, she has a police car, so she gathers her wits and gets as far away as she can, as fast as she can. She doesn't get far before she's halted by Officer Smith (Jeremy Gardner), and arrested for looking like a regular in The House of 1000 Corpses. Back at the station, Tori pleads with Smith and Monroe to call for backup, but her story doesn't exactly reek of credibility. As the two cops are about to head out, an ambulance roars around a corner, smashing into (and exploding for some reason) a parked car in front of the police station. Smith heads out first, and his death cries let Monroe know that maybe going one by one wasn't the best approach when dealing with a crazed, robotic, murderous fairytale character. Monroe tries next, to no avail, and Tori is once again right back where she started, fighting an entity so ridiculously impossible, that surely this is all a dream.
Turns out the only dream it is in actuality, is a nightmare born from the fantastical imagery of a demented evil, and it's all up to Tori to stop it. Tori not only has to kill Botty Old Saint Nick once, but it turns out Santa has more lives than Michael Myers, and keeps coming back like an unwanted uncle at Christmas, except Santa hasn't come to eat, he's come to carve. How helpful!
This is now the second 'Christmas' movie I've watched this holiday season (the other being "The Killing Tree") and while I'm not quite ready to admit that I need to expand my Christmas movie horizons, I will say that "Christmas Bloody Christmas" has earned its way into my Christmas rotation, and I'm glad I decided to hit the prey, sorry, play button this time. Next time you see a mechanical Christmas setup at a mall, keep your distance.............or at least let someone else go first. You can catch "Christmas Bloody Christmas" over on Shudder, where it's streaming now.
Madness Meter: 6.4/10
NB
