Cryptid (2022)

Good afternoon, House of Madness tenants:

If you're looking for an economical solution to your transportation needs, you don't go to a Mercedes dealership and ask for the 'base model'. When selecting a restaurant, I'd highly advise against going to 'Chez Pierre', and asking the waiter how their PB&J is after slipping him a quarter to get an honest opinion. You don't go to IKEA for quality service, as they've already told you right to your fucking face after making your purchase "Here, YOU put this shit together!", as you gladly load your own vehicle after wandering for hours through endless aisles which seemingly lead to certain death. The food court should be in the middle, not at the end. If we know all of these things, why do some people willingly go into a budget horror movie with "Avatar" expectations? It blows my fucking mind.

Max (Nicholas Baroudi) is a down-on-his-luck freelance journalist, and to suggest things aren't going his way would be like saying the Ukraine has a slight Russian problem. His power has been turned off, as has his phone, his latest writing project has him covering a high school football story, and he's been wearing the same pair of socks for six (SIX!) days. Yep, Max could really use a turn of fate, and little does he realize his life is about to get a twist so gargantuan, that the fellas down at the 'Purple Nurple Center' would wince with pain. As Max is heading to the store, he comes across a crime scene being led by the Sheriff Charlie Murdoch (Chopper Bernet), and instead of the usual small town crime or accident, this one seems more serious. Max isn't able to squeeze Charlie for much information, but he is able to learn that a man is dead, and something big killed him, most likely a bear by the looks.

Oh well, one person's misery is another person's treasure, and now that Max has a real story he can follow-up on and make some real cash, it's time to bring in his friend-zoned partner Harriet (Ellen Adair) and do some super sleuthing together. More bodies pile up, and the bear theory is wearing thin, as it's just not typical for bears to kill humans for food, and these victims are clearly being eaten. After plenty of phone calls to experts and countless hours at the library, Max and Harriet come to the mutual conclusion that what they're dealing with is an ancient cryptid, aka an unworldly being not believed to exist, like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. They've discovered deep holes where this monster likes to burrow, and they've also come to the conclusion that it's a migratory animal that only hunts in the rain, and the evidence suggests this has been going on for several decades.

All that's left to do is convince the Sheriff, capture and kill the beast, and write the story so Max can not only capitalize monetarily, but also by reinstating his tarnished reputation. If this sounds easy, leaping lizards you couldn't be more wrong! 

Personally, I thought "Cryptid" was fun; yes, at times it almost felt like a Lifetime movie, or that it was destined for the 'Hallmark After Dark' channel, but when the credits rolled, I felt satisfied and entertained by the low-budget creature feature I signed up for. If you expected more than what was delivered, then I really hope you never discover the "Sharknado" franchise, for I fear you may be just a tad disappointed when you hit the 'play' button expecting "Jaws" to emerge.

Madness Meter: 5.3/10

NB