Good morning, House of Madness skeletons:
A horror-comedy only works when it's done well; it needs to keep the tension high, while providing comic relief that doesn't drown out the atmosphere, and completely overshadow the gory vibes when they're called upon. Many have succeeded such as "Shaun of the Dead" (2004) "Evil Dead II" (1987), and "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil" (2010), while others have fallen short, like "The Dead Don't Die" (2019), "Hubie Halloween" (2020), and 2022's "The Killing Tree" (my take here). I wasn't sure where "Sweetie, You Won't Believe It" was going to land on the hor-com (if that's not already a term, I'm making it one) barometer, as I went in completely blind without knowing anything about the movie. If you'd like to experience it in the same fashion, then what the fuck are you doing here!? Don't you know I spoil everything in my madness!? Just kidding! Please come back! Uhhhh, that's the linen closet of madness, not the exit! Fuck.
Ugh, well for those of you that are still here, "Sweetie, You Won't Believe It" begins with a typical married couple: Dastan (Daniyar Alshinov) and his very pregnant wife Zhanna (Asel Kaliyeva) are arguing after he finishes shopping, while she sat and waited in the parking lot barking orders at him the entire time on her cell phone. No biggie, couples argue all the time, so no cause for the audience to be alarmed or concerned. Then we get a glimpse into their home life; I'm not saying Zhanna seems like a nag or a royal pain in the ass, but she barks orders and bosses Das around like she's Alec Baldwin on an airplane stuck on the tarmac. As Das is lying on the bed (not) listening to her incessant blathering, he quickly blurts out that he's going fishing with his friends the next day, and receives another verbal lashing. Whatever, one more oral assault isn't going to ruin his fun, and he's not scared of her anyways......
Early the next morning, Das sneaks out before Zhanna wakes not because he's scared, he just wanted her to get more rest for herself and the baby. Yeah, let's go with that. His friends Arman (Azmat Marklenov) and Murat (Yerlan Primbetov) pull up in Arman's van, fully loaded with his collection of 'defective' blowup doll merchandise. Zhanna hears the commotion and comes outside guns blazing, but the three of them were too quick to board their chariot of sex dolls, destined for the land of 'NoZhanna'.
Now our crew of untethered studs is on the road, and are actually going fishing to Arman and Murat's surprise; they've never gone fishing before, and just assumed Das was using it as an excuse to get out of the house. Nope, this is gonna happen, but not before they stop to fill up on gas and grab a few cold ones. Once reaching the gas station, Das goes in to pay and is greeted by a strange old man that seems more interested in practicing his form with a carton of milk than he is in running his gas station. The three of them can't get away from that place fast enough, and soon reach their fishing spot. Meanwhile, a group of no goods led by Kuka (Almat Sakatov), are in the same vicinity looking for a quiet spot to eliminate their prisoner, and be on their way. As the trigger is pulled, Das, Murat, and Arman float by on their makeshift raft of inflatable Pam Anderson's, and now the chase is on. As Kuka catches up to them, he makes one of his many short speeches with words of wisdom, before he is attacked and has his jaw torn in half by a one eyed assailant known as Tarzan (Dulyga Akmolda). Looks like Kuka never heard the saying "Man with no jaw cannot eat shit with no help". Tarzan simply shushes them, and runs off into the distance.
As Das, Murat, and Arman try to find an escape, Petok (Rustem Zhaniyamanov) and his brothers Buzau (Bekaris Akhetov) and Kissyk (Yerkebulan Daiyrov) are still hunting them, while searching for Kuka. It doesn't take long for them to discover Kuka's corpse, and once they see the brutality in which he's been killed, the hunt is on with a vengeance. Buzau has a bit of a fainting problem at the sight of blood, so Kissyk decides to grab the vehicle while Petok gets Bizau up and moving. Tarzan back. Tarzan mad. Tarzan not like vehicles. As all this is happening, Das and his crew aren't getting along; Das lost his engagement ring, Zhanna has left 5670 voicemails, her water broke, and all Das's friends can do is tell him how whipped he is, and how Zhanna controls his life. Splitting up in a horror movie is never a good idea, but since this one is funny, it can only lead to more fun, yes? Well, if after going on his own and getting knocked out with a 2x4, and then waking up in a house with weird milk guy from the gas station asking Das to pork his daughter so he can have grandchildren sounds fun, then you and I share the same sick sense of humour.
Just when the show is about to begin, Petok walks into milk man's house with Buzau in tow, and puts a hole the size of a Fleshlight in the weirdo, and then another in his daughter for good measure. As he bears down on Das, Das tries to plead and explain that the person Petok wants to unreason with isn't him, it's the one eyed man Das has seen with both of his. Instead of a bang, we hear a click, which is great news for Das and deadly news for Petok, because Tarzan is right behind him and throws him into the wall where he is gored by some antlers, and left for dead. Not long after, Buzau is mutilated in easy fashion, as he's a sitting duck outside puking from all the gross gutsies. At least he didn't faint this time.
Now Tarzan has Das tied up in his house, and all is surely lost. Wait, Murat and Arman find the house, so all is saved!!!! As the three of them are tied to a post, we find out from newspaper clippings on the walls that Tarzan's family was killed in the car crash that deformed him, and justice was never served. Well, that makes all his killing and one-eyed death stares justified in my books, so let's watch him slice and dice these guys. Wait a minute, can you name someone that's pissed off, misses his brothers, and has a bone to pick with a deranged killer? No, it's not Paul Rudd from "Halloween 6" silly, it's Petok, much to the amazement and chagrin of Mr. Tarzan. A perfectly placed wayward axe frees the three amigos, some more fighting ensues, and the inevitable demise of the Russian 'One Eyed Willy' finally comes, complete with delayed explosiveness. Petok says his goodbyes, and Das, Murak, and Arman all leave as friends again. After all the pain, suffering, decapitation, and gore Das witnessed on his day off, I'm not sure he's fully prepared for what awaits him with Zhanna........but more importantly, will she believe it?
I had a lot of fun watching this, and it's also avilable to stream for FREE on Plex!
Madness Meter: 6.9/10
NB
