Good morning, House of Madness residents:
I previously touched on "There's Something Wrong With the Children" here, so click away if you would like to read my initial impressions of the film. Now that I've actually seen more than just the trailer, let me share with you a few things I've learned after watching the entire film last night:
1. If a child goes missing and soon returns acting strange and creepy, they become so excellent at pouring beer, that they receive verbal accolades from their father for their exciting new life-skill.
2. If you're on vacation at a cabin in the woods not so secluded from the rest of society and your child gets murdered, it's perfectly normal for the police to tell the parent they'll be there in a few hours, and have said comment met with "sure, no problem".
3. When you're in the getaway vehicle ready to end your nightmare against half human/half insects and your husband walks by acting a little 'twitchy', turning off the vehicle and checking on his current state instead of just getting the fuck out of there is definitely the play.
There are plenty of other unorthodox behaviours throughout the film, but instead of it simply feeling campy, it more feels amateurish and incomplete. Conversations feel hollow and unrealistic as they're delivered with the conviction of a mildly annoyed customer that's second in line at the bank, with nowhere important to be later other than their couch for the beginning of "Wheel of Fortune", and there's hours to spare. The kids run around and around clearly hiding something sinister, but when the adults call them on it, you can practically hear the director telling them "OK kids, give me your best scary face!" as they stare at the camera making hissing noises which come across as silly rather than scary. Even though a child is thought to be dead, there's absolutely zero intensity felt on-screen, and in the following cut we're simply onto the next rushed happenstance. Lastly, not only did I not like any of the characters, I just didn't care what happened to any of them simply because they portrayed actors just going through the motions, doing their best with a script that seemed to be missing a finishing gloss, and lacking a soul.
In the end, "There's Something Wrong With the Children" feels like someone wanted to present you with that shiny new 2023 Mercedes you expected as you walked in the showroom, but before you arrived the dealership realized they were all out, and in a panic tried to impress you by ameliorating a 2007 Honda Civic. While it's certainly not a terrible film, it simply left me wondering what could have been if it had received more of a finishing stroke, and less of an amateur besmirching. Oh well, now that it's over, I'm going to head down to the Playground of Madness and have my daughter pour me a nice cold beer with the professionalism of Tom Cruise in "Cocktail"; isn't that what having evil children is all about?
Madness Meter: 4.4/10
NB
