Good afternoon, House of Madness animals:
There are few things more disappointing in life than having a brilliant idea in your mind or on paper, and then executing your imaginative genius into a fine tuned pile of hot garbage. Having visions of creating a beautiful landscape with mountains in the backdrop seems like a beautiful Sunday afternoon painting in your studio, until you remember that you're actually ass at painting, and your little nature scene ends up looking more like a murder scene. The time you tried to get fancy in order to surprise your spouse with some high brow crab cakes, but instead of delicate and delectable, your culinary creations ended up being disastrous and detestable. If you're going to get creative, having a good idea is the most imperative part of the process, but if you bear the cognizance of creation while completely lacking the insight of execution, the process is already lost before it actually began. When I first heard the idea of "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey", I admit I was intrigued, but I was also extremely apprehensive because if such an insane idea was going to come to fruition, it would have to be executed on eggshells in order to sell such a far-fetched fantasy. Did that happen? Fuck no, not even close. In fact, the way the insane idea of killer animals previously beloved by all, and transformed into maniacal murderers was executed is even more bizarre than the story's concept itself; if you're going to share your kooky ideas and put everything on the line, best to make sure that line is fastened tight, and doesn't have any weak points. Unfortunately, the line used for this project was made of Fruit Roll-Ups, and although that may sound delicious, imagine a Fruit Roll-Up flavoured to resemble bologna and fish tacos. Gross.
Right off the rip things are silly, as Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon) explains to his wife that they're 'almost there' after walking for over two hours, while she agrees to 'just one more hour' before they turn back and head in the direction they came. The Blair Witch would most certainly have had a field day with these two dipshits. As they finally arrive in '100 Acre Wood', it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to realize something is very, very wrong, and before Chris can find his old pals from his childhood, his wife is savagely attacked and strangled to death by Piglet. Seems the Pooh Posse didn't take too kindly to Chris abandoning them and running off to college, so the pair continue rampaging the forest and slaughtering teenagers that nobody gives two fucks about, while the tension mounts like a little person trying to get on a horse. Not only are the characters hollow, the plot non-existent, and the film annoyingly dark, but Pooh and Piglet look like Dollar Store Shreks, and come across just as menacing. If you're thinking of heading out to the cinemas some time soon, be wary of the stench of Pooh, it may have blood, but don't waste your money, honey.
Madness Meter: 3/10
NB
